Reverb12 Day Twenty: Lost and Found
What was lost in 2012? What do you intend to find in 2013?
I lost friends in 2012. Not to death, but to heartless choices on their part to simply no longer be friends of mine.
Why did they make the choice? That’s the most heartless part of all; they didn’t say. In fact most years I go through this with a handful of people, and I am never told why. They just find it convenient, after years of friendship, to block me from their phones and computers, and never seek me out again. You’d think I’d be used to that by now. I’m not, frankly. How many times can one be told, “you’re like a part of the family”, only to be summarily ignored within a few months time for no discernible reason. Yeah, I’ve had that before, more than once. So I’m not used to that hurtful behavior, but I am at least somewhat numb to it now.
I think of my most loyal friends. The majority of them, (though not all of them), live quite far from where I am. I don’t see them, though I email them when I can. And they me. I wonder sometimes if it is the distance that keeps them friends of mine. I hope of course that is not the case, and that the individuals I am referring to would not, as so many local people have, dismiss me for no reason.
One could say that the nature of such betrayal and coldness on the part of local “friends” is due to them all being of a particular demographic. Their religious beliefs, perhaps. Or their politics. In many (though again not all) cases, those aspects of their lives are similar, yet differ from mine. Early on those differences didn’t matter, but perhaps they do now.
Or perhaps I have simply had bad luck in finding more open and tolerant social circles around here. I’m not the type to hang out in bars and other common social functions. I meet people through activities, and it could be those activities just are not attracting the same quality of people that they used to in this area.
Who can say, really? Only one thing is for certain; I have lost several friends in 2012, by their choice. Shame on them, as far as I am concerned, for putting up such a front.
As to what I hope to find in 2013, (in addition perhaps to more loyal friends), I hope to find a place wherein I can contribute more to the society around me. I have little influence over or connection to my community, though I have lived in this area all my life. I don’t know if that’s me, or if that’s the community’s fault. Or a bad mixture of chemistry between the two. Probably that is it. Whatever the case may be, I have had it with that, and I will be seeking out a place where I can make a significant difference by putting my own talents to use.
That “place” could be physical, as in finding another town to work in or become a part of. Or it could be more metaphorical, as in finding a niche community around here of which to be a part. Maybe even just find an activity or job wherein I am able to make more of a difference to the world than my current freelance writing career allows.
This new “place” could take all kinds of forms, but it’s something I need to find in 2013. I’m weary of my general insignificance in these matters.