Reverb13 Day Four: What Is Lost
What have you lost, what are you grieving?
It’s not as devastating as some losses are. Nor is it confined to 2013. In fact, much of it has happened consistently over the course of several years, though there was an episode or two of it this year as well. I don’t know that I would go so far as to say I am grieving, but I may have been doing so back when such things began happening, I’m not sure. By now, though I am still effected negatively by it, I am also, sadly, getting somewhat used to it.
I have lost my standing in what little community I have had over the last few years. Friends have stopped talking to me, support for projects has been withdrawn or denied outright, interest in endeavors has decreased. All this, despite my best attempts to be engaged in what others are doing and trying to accomplish.
It is of course possible that my standing with certain “friends” or within certain communities was simply never as strong as I thought it was years ago. I’ve considered that possibility many times. But whether by perception or in actual fact, I have lost something from certain elements of people around me that I at one point felt secure in.
Certain things are underway that may, if not rebuild what I have lost, at least help me to build something new. Possibly. On a lesser scale than that which I have lost over the years, but hopefully a more solid foundation then that previous status. (Or perceived status.) But it has taken quite a bit of wailing and gnashing of teeth at first, and introspection and analysis later on to fully deal with this disconnection. (Or in some cases, total abandonment.)
Several people I know like to mention that people come in and out of our lives all of the time, and that when they serve their purpose, they leave. (Not through death, in this case.) Nobody will remain close to us, ergo we should never be surprised when people turns their backs and walk away.
As well meaning as such adherents to that philosophy may be, I kind of call bullshit, if for no other reason that they themselves have an obvious cadre of folks that remain in their lives regardless. It is sometimes, I think, easier to admonish someone for being upset about something which one has not fully experienced oneself.
Besides, I like to think I have at least a handful of people who are always or shall always be there for me. But, I confess, I’ve thought that about most of the people that I have since “lost” for reasons I do not understand.
I guess I’m getting better at accepting it though. Problem is, is it because I am becoming a deeper person, or a person more numb to pain of having almost nobody?
Time will tell. I assume.