The Autistic Writer: Rejection

tyunglebower ♦ October 13, 2023 ♦ Leave a comment

Rejection. It takes on several forms and I hate all of them. Most writers hate all of them. Hell, most people hate all of them.

Being Autistic nonetheless adds a dimension to the experience of rejection, as it does to so many other common components of daily life.

It’s called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and unlike my Autism I have not received an official diagnosis. It is however quite common for those on the Spectrum, and after years of consideration, I’m willing to self-diagnose in this case.

RSD is defined as experiencing  overwhelming levels of emotional pain in response to rejection or perceived rejection, to the point that it interferes with one’s ability to regulate one’s emotions in wake of rejection and failure. (Thank you, ClevelandClinic.com.)

As with Autism itself, RSD is on a spectrum. I experience some aspects of it, and not others. Over time, I have learned to better regulate my responses, and no longer present in the same ways I may have, say, in high school.

But it’s there.

When people choose not to read my writing, it is a rejection. On the surface it is merely a choice to not engage with me and/or my creations, not a judgement of my worthiness as a human being.

But it is still a rejection.

This choice is particularly painful when friends and comrades opt not to read my books on a regular basis. (Or in some cases, opt never to come see me perform on stage.) Most of them are not rejecting me as a whole person, but I can feel it as though they are doing so, and I need time to recover.

This is because:

1. I work hard on my writing, and put a lot of myself into it. I advertise and share updates of same far and wide within my circle, and the numbers of engagement among them remain low. To put so much of me into something that others who have also been a large part of my life opt not to look into feels for all the world like a disinterest in me.
2. My writing, (sometimes acting) are two of the few ways in which I can present myself to the world free of Autism-related difficulty. Any chance I have of making even the slightest impression on my community, or on individuals has upwards of 90% chance of being connected to one of these two crafts, because of how ineffective I am at connecting with people otherwise. When my writing goes unread by the community at large, (and it usually does), that is another form of rejection. I am, at least in the moment, denied my rare chance to impact the world, and the people in it.

Combine this with the (likely) presence of RSD, and you can see why I must struggle at times to maintain enough motivation to continue the labor, (and much of it is labor) of writing.

As I mentioned already, I am better at dealing with all of this than I was once. One by one, as different aspects of my world presented me with rejection after rejection through life, I came to an emotional place of tolerance for it, even if not total acceptance. A certain peace, if you will.

Yet when it comes to my writing? Tolerance of rejection has been slower, and requiring more emotional taxation than much of the other facets of my existence.

There is a saying that the only thing a true writer must learn to do all the time, besides write, is be rejected. I’m aware of this truth. With time, I may be able to embrace the process and the process only of writing as opposed to the levels of my readership. (Ironically the sage advice of many successful authors.) Still, if I had to guess, if ever I get over it, it will be the final type of everyday rejection I will make peace with.