November is to be a month of uprooting for me, though I have known about the impending changes for some time. I have hesitated to make a point of blogging about them, but have decided putting it out there may help illuminate the positive sides of some of the impending disappointment.
I have lived in this apartment for over three years now. It was intended as a stop gap measure until something better could come along. Until my writing was solid. Until I had some money saved up. I have never especially liked living here, and have for at least the last year wanted very much to leave this place.
I will be doing so, but only so as to move in with my mother for a while. I am not proud of this, as you can imagine, but the depressing fact is that the money is not there. Not from writing. Not from any kind of side job. Not from anywhere. This place is a dump, but I can no longer even afford that.
Plenty of you that have read what I write or tweet will without a doubt conclude that the reasons I have not been able to support myself totally is because I didn’t want it enough, or that I didn’t establish a personal brand. That I am an introvert. That I haven’t made up my mind to just positive think my problems and obstacles away. I haven’t made the effort each day to step outside of my comfort zone and be scared. I don’t network enough, and when I do I don’t do it properly.
That insulting and inaccurate list goes on and on. None of it being applicable. But to those who apply it to myself and to others who have not met their goals, you cannot be convinced otherwise anyway, so there is no point in my attempting it. Circumstances, and not my lack of drive are responsible for this particular failure.
And it is a failure. It is at least the 11th or 12th timed life goal that I have set for myself in adulthood that I have been unable to reach. (Moving out of here under my own power by the time I did so, to a place of my choosing.) If I think about it too much, I will spiral into a depressive state which can be of no use to anyone. Yet I will not pretend that the anger and sadness isn’t there. It is. I cannot, once again, make any fucking thing work.
My biggest fear at this point is that living with my mother in her home will remove any spirit that is left in me to continue doing the things I do. The novel, this blog, the freelancing, (if you can call making a few hundred dollars a year freelancing.) I fear that once I move back in there, the final blow will have been struck to my desires to improve myself, and after a long string of failures comes into sharper focus, the awful clarity of the situation will reveal that I am simply not cut out to succeed. That I will sit in my room, and come out for dinner, and nothing more.
This worrisome descent is of course not my plan. It is not what I want. And despite the potential for crippling self doubt at this point, I will follow the advice of many of you out there as far as I can. I will look at this situation and evaluate what could be made to work in my favor. I won’t give a comprehensive list of what opportunities this may entail within the darkness, but I will point out a few things, so as to keep this post balanced for you “think positive” types.
For one thing, I will be getting rid of a lot of shit. I don’t own that much to begin with, but if I am going to live in a room instead of in my own place, now is the perfect time to cut back on the sheer amount of matter for which I am responsible. I estimate that if all goes well, I will posses on third less material than I do at present by the time I complete the move. Less is more.
That applies to mental stuff as well. If a person can only process so many things in their brain at any one time, then the less mental energy and stress I spend on maintaining an apartment and finding desperate ways to afford same, the more of my brain will be freed up to dedicate to writing and creating. Part of me feels that I have never felt truly free to delve completely into my writing, from both a creative and business angle. Reducing my universe to a smaller entity with fewer outside distractions may help me at last determine what the missing X Factor has been. An even more minimalist approach to my daily existence.
I may even be able to become one of those reclusive writers that becomes so absorbed in the nature of what he is writing, and for whom, that he has no need for anything else very often. My life reduced to a dark room, books, tea, and ideas. I come out to shave once a month, and do what networking I need to do online, (as usual) until such time as I need to go do an interview or meet a publisher or something. I don’t know exactly how that stereotype works, but if becoming it would help my writing, I am all for it.
It can be a convenient rebooting point, (assuming I don’t get swallowed by depression.) With new surroundings will come a new perspective that is ripe for an altered approach to things. In theory I can use the change of venue and pace to view what I am doing differently, and perhaps come up with something more effective.
Then there are the more practical things. I will no longer live within a block of an ambulance, fire and police station, each with their own sirens that go off 30 times a day.
I have no idea what the future will hold in this move. I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone the other day, and she put it this way. “Do you really have any choice but to succeed?” I saw her point, but the scary thing is, that won’t help matters if I can’t get the job done. I may need to succeed in the new environment in order to survive and to change things, but just because I need to, that doesn’t mean I will be able to. People fail to get what they need all the time…
Yet I may find myself, at least for a while, in what I am calling a Crucible of Comfort. Wherein certain pressures and worries will be removed from my daily life, thus necessitating and even greater focus upon that which I am built to do. Write. Act. Create. Once moved in, I may face the truest test of them all in regards to my goals about writing. I will have literally nothing else to think about, and nowhere else to go. If I can’t make it work under those conditions, I may not be doing the right thing.
In any case, I plan to hit the ground running. I want to be moved out of here by Thanksgiving Day. As soon as I am there, I want to begin rearranging the way I do things. Simplifying. Maybe hiring someone eventually to offer some suggestions. Build a new website. I don’t even know all of what I will do yet. But I won’t be tarrying. I cannot afford to do so.
I am a little disappointed this Halloween. I had no Halloween party to go to. You know me. I am not a huge party person, and indeed I would have only gone to any for Halloween had it been of a certain size and attended by certain types of people. Yet no such event took place, and I am a bit let down by it.
Not because I need an excuse to buy candy or beer or play games. I can do all of that at any party. But this year I was going to try something new. I bought some face paint and was going to work up an interesting design to paint on for a party, as opposed to dressing up as something particular. (Every year I say I am going to go all out and get a mega-fancy costume, but it never happens. I usually end up as an NFL referee because someone once gave me a ref shirt as a gag gift.)
I’m not sure, but I think my plan was to paint my face black and white only. Either a black face with white tears running down, or vice-verca. Symbolism? Kind of. Not so much that I am always crying on the inside, but that being an introvert, most things for me are on the inside most of the time, not just tears. A “mask”, even a painted one, that expresses emotions so plainly would have been an interesting experiment. The one time when perhaps an expression of the internal could be made to the external world.
Halloween of course is a time for masks. Disguises. Make-believe. People of almost all stripes become something else on Halloween. Many of them gory. Or goofy. Cute or sexy. Some fancy, some minimalist. All sorts of ways to be something else for a night. Something with which your regular persona may have little in common.
Yet with an introvert, I think the potential for one of the greatest ironies comes about on Halloween. If, like I was planning, an introvert were to wear a costume or mask that accurately depicted in a very public manner how they were feeling and what they were thinking inside their heads, then Halloween could in some ways be the polar opposite of what it is to many others. While the world tries to be as creative as possible in designing a costume that transforms them into something far removed from their real selves, an introvert could use Halloween to actually show more of their real selves right away than ever before.
Yet would people recognize this? Most would not, I dare say. Most would either miss the point, or would even ask “what are you supposed to be?” But then again, introverts are used to that, so maybe Halloween wouldn’t be so different when it comes to that.
At any rate, Happy Halloween to all of the introverts and extroverts who do have parties and events to go to!
Do you think modern Halloween has different uses and meanings for different people? What is Halloween to you?
Dating, and expressing interest in someone can be a tricky, depressing business for anyone. Yet I feel bold enough to declare that it is easier for extroverts than it is for introverts in most cases. An extrovert’s gregarious, energetic nature lends itself well to the way the dating scene works these days.
At least with other extroverts. If they begin to pine for an introvert, they may find themselves up against certain challenges. When this happens, they may feel just as clumsy and out in the cold about dating as introverts tend to do much of the time.
Yet neither introverts no extroverts should fret. Here I offer two sets of five dating tips. The first is a set of tips to make dating easier for introverts. (Who face some of the same challenges dating one another as they do trying to date extroverts.) The second set of tips is designed specifically for extroverts who may be pining for that certain introvert in their lives.
Extroverts already know how to date extroverts, and introverts already know this stuff about themselves. So no separate list was needed for extrovert-on-extrovert action. And while it may not always be clear right away if someone is an introvert or extrovert, let’s pretend at this point, you have already determined that about your potential hunka-burning love for the time being, shall we?
Dating Tips for Introverts
1) Find something, anything you can stomach doing in a group outside of the house.
You love your bed, your books, your lap top. Your warm tea. The quiet and the solitude. Believe me, I am the last person who would ever take those things from you. But chances are, you want intimacy at some point as well. So you will have to interact with people at some point.
Relax. I don’t mean small talk. I am one of you, remember? But if you find an activity that suits your preferences that involves interacting with other people, the conversation can right away become focused on what you are doing. Join a bowling league, a yoga group, a book club. Doesn’t much matter, so long as the exchange of ideas is the main vehicle by which you get to know someone. I can promise that relationships of all kinds will form more organically for you than at a bar or club, romance or not.
2) Group Dating
No, this isn’t quite the same as the first tip. What I mean is to get together with groups of people you already know and go out to eat, see a movie, or whatever. People you know mixed in with people you don’t know. Let your current friends know you are interested in meeting some new people the next time you get together, and then perhaps they can invite someone you have not yet met. So you can get to know some more people, without the pressure of actual dating. At least not yet. You get the benefit of meeting someone new wrapped in the comfort of being with people you already know.
3) Use the internet…the right way.
There is nothing wrong with a dating site. I have used them here and there. No shocker that it didn’t ever lead anywhere. Dating sites, despite being online, are still essentially an extroverted environment. Just because it is an online platform that you can explore from the comfort of your home doesn’t mean it is introvert friendly. And I find most dating sites are not. There is just as much of an expectation of pandering and bullshit and small talk on dating sites as there is in offline life. It may be easier to stomach for a while, with the shield of anonymity, but if you are an introvert, you will still get tired of it quickly, and still not appeal to most people who use such sites.
Instead, read blogs. Join Twitter. Visit message boards. I am not even going to specify what kind, because it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you engage in them directly. Leave comments. Ask questions. If possible, send a private email to the author if you liked what they wrote. Participate in threads that interest you. Much like number one, it allows you to get right to the task of discussing ideas, as most blogs or message boards are centered on a certain topic. From there, relationships, even romantic ones, can evolve. It might be a gamble, but to me, no more so than asking someone for a date every time you bump into an attractive person at the post office. Plus, until you are ready, there is no added pressure to pretty up before the conversations you have.
4) A little mystery is good stuff.
We introverts can get some mileage out of this one. Not forever, of course, but let’s face it, many people, introverts and extroverts alike, are intrigued by a little mystery. And to be frank and fair about it, introverts are a bit better at this one, even when they are not trying to be. Our natural tendency to observe much and say little in social situations can be taken the wrong way, but it can also work a little bit of magic. But only if we make the effort to break that mold at the right times. Being quiet and mysterious doesn’t work to your advantage unless on occasion you say something. (I have blown this part more than once.)
So, even if you don’t think it is the most clever thing you could offer, throw in a comment from the corner of the room once in a while. Surprise those around you that don’t know you as well with your attention to detail of the conversation.
You get extra points if you quietly share with that “special” someone across the room a comment just for them based on something they said to which you were paying attention, while others passed it over in the extroverted mess of the gathering. It won’t get you everything, but it is one of the few advantages in dating/attraction introverts have over extroverts right from the start.
5) Do not, I repeat do not try to be an extrovert.
As I often remind my readers, being an introvert is a spectrum. Some are more so than others. And introverts have their extroverted moments. Yet we mustn’t confuse this truth with the notion that we can become “former introverts”. The internet is replete with articles that teach you how to do this, and it cannot be done. Period. No need to discuss it further. End of movie, roll credits. You are the temperament that you have always been. So embrace it and use it. Don’t run from it. You don’t need to. Because if you do, and try instead to be an extrovert, you are going to not only be uncomfortable, but you won’t be yourself. You need to be yourself in the dating world.
Improve your weaknesses, of course, but remember that being introverted is not a weakness in and of itself. Anyone worth your time and effort will accept your introversion, and not expect you to become extroverted just to be “datable”.
And now, from the other side of the table…
Tips for Extroverts Wishing to Date an Introvert
1) Ask them to teach you about one of their interests.
Introverts crave discussion of ideas, passions and observations. It is just that most small talk dulls our senses before we can get to that. But you can pique our interest with our interests. By that I mean if you want to get to know us as people, explore our passions with us right off the bat. Find out what moves us, and ask us about it. Even if you don’t know us yet. Most introverts will not recoil from, and in fact many will appreciate your built-in conversation topic.
Don’t pretend, though. We detect bullshit well. Have a genuine interest in learning more about our passion. Or keep looking until you find something we like that you may also like, and discuss your own opinions about it with us. Just make extra sure you give us enough time to respond with our own views!
2) Compliment them on something they said, wrote, or an idea they had.
Look, introverts like to look good too. We like to know this, and hear it from others. Compliments about what we are wearing or our eyes are not anathema to us. Yet if you want to score quick points, and prove you are not a superficial cad, compliment us on something we created. Again, most introverts are idea oriented. Many of us write about our ideas. And we almost never express an idea in a group unless asked or until we have thought about it quite a bit. When you show an interest in that expression, it opens a door for us. It won’t get you in right away, of course, but you will have responded to the deeper part of us from the start.
3) Try enjoying an event the way we do, instead of trying to convince us to enjoy it your way.
If you meet us at a party or other social gathering, respect our desire to not get up and dance or mingle. We rarely do these things, but in most cases it isn’t because we are shy or because we are not having a good time. It’s because we process the party differently. When you insist we need to get up and dance, or ask us if we are okay all the time, you will annoy us. That is stamping your version of a good time on us. Ask once, and then leave it at that.
You may or may not be able to understand how we are having a good time, but if you really want an introvert at a party to open up to you, sit nearby (not too close =) ) and converse with us. Quiet. Calm. Take in the party like we do. We’ll feel less of a need to be on guard then, and you’ll get to learn more. Plus it shows that we are worthy of your extra attention, despite everything else happening around us. That’s kind of nice for anyone.
4) Make dates conversation oriented.
Are you sensing a pattern yet? Yes, we like to converse about ideas, and explore topics. Deep thinking. Remember, that is probably what we were doing when you first approached us, what we were doing while we were getting ready for this date, and to a certain extent, something we will be doing during the date. Yet that doesn’t have to be a negative. Tap into our deep, imaginative minds. First dates to a museum, a short film viewing, a play, and other such things that will just beg all involved to share their thoughts afterwards, or during, will really set many introverts at ease. Despite it being a date, most of us hate “tell me about yourself” conversations. That isn’t to say we will never do so, but if that is why we are out with you, we won’t have a good time. But if we can get to know you through your views on something, we will be more relaxed earlier. Often, ideas and opinions are intimate to us. Think about that.
5) You don’t have to understand.
Even if you want to with every fiber of your being. That’s noble of you, but if you are an extrovert, that may not always be possible.
But we introverts know how infuriating we can be. We don’t say much, except when we do. How can we enjoy a party more, the smaller it is? Why do we go out in public if we are not always trying to meet people? Just what the hell could we possibly be thinking about all the time? It can be hard to understand for an extrovert. And some of the questions you may have about us, we have about ourselves. But being who we are, we have learned over time to just accept our unique take on the world. Usually…
And that’s all you need to do. Accept us. We don’t expect you to know why, even if you are in love with us. Yet it’s really okay. We can still find you attractive, and eventually fall in love with you even if you don’t have the slightest idea why we need to vanish into our room for hours at a time, need time to think about an answer to your question, or don’t chat up the people around us at the bus stop. Our need to be alone is usually not a reflection on you. It is how we are wired. And we no more expect you to become like us, than hopefully, you expect us to become like you.
*********
As much as I love being an introvert, I still recognize some of the difficulties, both in being one and for those extroverts who love us. Yet I have always believed that such a difficulty is not insurmountable. It just requires, as it does with all human relationships, acceptance of the differences between two types of people, willingness to change if we can, and a greater focus on that which about the other person we appreciate the most. In most cases, those fine qualities we seek in others are present in both introverts an extroverts if we allow ourselves to look for them.
Have you ever been to a gathering wherein somebody strikes some kind of humor cord and says/does something that gets the group roaring, but then ruins it by making the story, joke, or stunt go on far longer than it should have? To the point it becomes stale, predictable, annoying, and of course unfunny? Can’t you just feel the “entertainer” milking the room for more laughs, more clapping, more attention? Isn’t it pathetic? Wouldn’t it have been much better if that person had just stopped about five minutes ago, when the laughter was filling the room, instead of now, when half the room has moved on, and the half still laughing is doing so mostly out of nervous politeness?
I think you know this person. And the term “quit while you’re ahead” means nothing to them.
Nor do any of the following proverbs which, though slightly different on the surface do in fact advise the same thing:
“Brevity is the soul of wit.”
“It is the silence between the notes that makes the music.”
“The space between the bars keeps the tiger in.“
“Bow out gracefully.”
I am sure you sense the pattern now, and can think of even more examples of this sentiment. That sentiment being one of perfectly timed restraint.
Believe it or not, my friends consider me quite a funny person at times. This may come as a shock to some of you, because you may not be able to imagine me working a room for laughs. And you would be correct. I never work a room for laughs. I don’t say things that are intended to be funny or witty every chance I get, and even when I do, I say them and leave it at that. If a whole room is laughing at something I say, I don’t feel the need to keep saying it, or adding on to it to get even more laughs. Not that I have never went on a sustained presentation that others found continuously amusing, but in those cases the story or stunt had on obvious beginning, middle and end. People laughed at the journey. But in most cases, I am content with the knowledge that at a given moment, I made several people laugh and that a moment in the future will come when I do so again.
Even though I could probably coax more laughs out of whatever group of people I find laughing at my antics, hitting them over the head with how funny I am being feels like an insult to the wondrous, mysterious honor one receives when they make people laugh on purpose. No, it’s the down time of quiet simplicity or quasi-stoicism that takes place between the amusing moments that makes the laughs more special. That goes for professional entertainers as well. Few comedians are more annoying than the ones who are one constant, loud, drilling scream of joke.
Put another way, the secret to being funny is being willing to sometimes not be funny. To have an “off” setting. Even most of the time, I am not funny to most people. And because I embrace the times when nobody is laughing, and I am not trying to make them do so, I get more out of the times when I am going for the occasional laugh.
Not that this applies only to humor and wit. I think one of the essential ingredients to any kind of success is to not be “on” all of the damn time. By that I don’t mean making a mistake, or being imperfect in your efforts, which will happen to everyone. I mean a total cessation of effort. Whatever you enjoy, create, or desire cannot take up 100% of your focus. You can’t always be selling, advocating, relieving or whatever. Your success in any given endeavor is directly proportional to how willing you are to spend time not being/doing/saying whatever it is that drives you.
Want to be funny? Take time to be serious. Do you want people to be respectful to your position? Throw in some humor sometimes. Want to be generous? You’ll have to learn to be selfish at times.
The list could go on forever, but it doesn’t need to in order to make my point, which is to know what you like, work to get it, but be willing to engage in times when you don’t have it. Not due to circumstances or luck, but due to your own conscious desire to refrain from that which you seek. You’ll be better off for it the next time you actively seek what you want.
Do you ever choose to not engage in something, to create that “space between the bars”?
I share a lot of my thoughts and observations here on this blog, as well as on Always Off Book. I am also fairly open and candid about what I may be going through at any given time, as well as the circumstances of my life.
But lately I have been asking myself the question, at one point is it none of their damned business?
Nobody forces me to blog or tweet. I do it of my own free will. At least to a certain extent I do. I choose when I post to those platforms, and what I will say. How often I will say it. Yet in the world of “personal branding” and networking, and all of the other ridiculous, (and may I say for the 13 trillionth time) ineffective methods of making one relevant, respected and sought after online, there is a little less free will and a lot more expectation.
If a person wants to attract business, or interest in their talents, or simply readership to their platform, there are a whole slew of rules, methods, guidelines and expectations one supposedly must follow. Certain products you have to use, certain key phrases you must pump into your content, certain platforms that are considered acceptable. Each of these things in constant flux as one tries to keep a float amid the fickle seas of online public esteem. Petty things that by Christmas won’t even apply any longer, thus requiring ever more potent bouts of sea sickness as one attempts to adjust again. And again and again.
If you read this blog, and especially if you have one of your own, you know what these things are. I won’t go into them again now. But suffice to say that the vast majority of the things I am expected to do in order to gain the sort of lucrative or influential presence online are things that go not only against my style, but against my nature. My grain. Beyond my scope. Yet when I can, I have twisted, turned, sucked up, swallowed down, and dealt with those contrary to my nature things. Each time much to my own anxiety and discomfort, as you might imagine.
Trying to maintain one’s own voice, approach and goals while being deemed as worthy by the pack is a draining, soul-sucking, mind-numbing investment. So in this sense, a lot of what I do, or have tried to do online has not been totally of my free will, because I actually want to be a thought leader. I want to have influence, and I want to use that influence to land jobs so I can support myself.
And what’s worse; it doesn’t work most of the time. Not even a little bit.
Therefore I ask myself just how far I am supposed to walk down a blogging/writing/thought leadership road that isn’t leading me anywhere. Does it make sense to continue to follow the distasteful rules and crippling norms of a world that has given me absolutely nothing in return? I say no.
That is to say, I feel less and less like being open and honest about certain aspects of myself. Maintaining that “personal brand” everybody talks about of course demands candor. Openness. Full disclosure and public, verbal exploration of my discomforts and insecurities. Or else, nobody will respect me, right? Nobody will want to follow me, engage in me or hire me.
Guess what? In many cases, that has been the case anyway, when I have been frank with my thoughts, and frequent with my posts. So why put forth extra effort now?
I am a little tired of the small voice inside of me that says I ought to be sharing with the blogosphere, or with Twitter things such as my financial problems, the confusion I have over things others find easy, the need I may have soon to make a humiliating change in my lifestyle, the uncertainty of my future. The resentment I have towards all of the success surrounding me, and the fortune cookie advice I get to fix things.
I have never been one to give much of a damn about my “brand” whatever that is, and if it requires me to share even more of what I am about, what I am going through, and what I desperately want to do to a mostly unresponsive medium that hasn’t made me more marketable by one jot, to hell with my “brand.”
Sometimes, what I am going through, even if it’s a huge change in my life, is just none of anybody’s damned business. I want people to get to know me, and understand what I am about, but unless it’s an all or nothing proposition, sometimes I’d rather them just know part of the story. And if that part of the story is not enough to reply to my blogs, retweet my tweets, or determine that I am an intellgient, talented individual worthy of time and money, than perhaps I am not meant to ever make any money.
I can only hope that the small inclination within me that says, “this is writing material“, or “share this story on Twitter” quiets down a bit. At least until I see some evidence that the investment I make in candor reaps dividends in something else.
Ty Unglebower 