Fighting for Joy

♦ June 13, 2011 ♦ 8 Comments

The opposite of joy would seem to be depression. And in certain metrics it would be so. But I have come to believe that just as often, the opposite of joy is cynicism. 

I have a healthy cynicism in regards to many things: People who are always happy. Love at first sight. Many social media gurus. Sometimes social media itself. A large percentage of organized religion. Certain things will always bring out the cynic in me, and I am glad of that. But like many things, it can be overdone. Sometimes I think I am a cynic for too long in regards to too many things.

To be frank, I am that way with reason. I’ve not had the best of luck when it comes to friendships, romance, business, or employment. I’ve had no mentors, and virtually no help of any kind throughout my life to get anything important off the ground. Read back over this blog to learn more about that sort of thing. Yet I think that my justified cynicism has sometimes leaked into other areas of my daily life and affected same in ways that are not always healthy.

Allergy sufferers know what histamines are. They are natural and vital compounds in the body which fight off what the body believes are harmful invaders. In the case of an allergy though, histamines go apeshit and overcompensate; they flood the system in defense against something that otherwise would pose little threat. Our own body’s medicine then becomes our enemy. The result? Swollen, watery eyes. Runny nose. Cough. Rash, etc. To feel better, we take anti-histamines. Drugs designed to actually fight our own body’s fighters. Part of our own defenses end up working against us and have to be tamed. My cynicism sometimes acts like an overzealous histamine. It seeks to defend the joyous but ends up overrunning it.

By joy I do not mean the breath taking, life changing peak experiences of which we all have maybe a half-dozen in life. Nor do I mean that joy has to be about skipping through the meadows. I refer to the best parts of any given week in the life. Or those few elevated moments each day where the fact that you have the day outweighs everything you have to deal with on said day.

Please don’t misunderstand. I do feel that kind of joy. Certain activities bring it. The company of certain individuals does so as well. Sometimes even reading an article or listening to music can bring me the simple joy to which I am referring. So I am not a stranger to the idea. Yet I have determined it is time for it to be a more frequent part of my life. But how?

I have talked to “joyful” people as well as read their writings. I ask them what it is that allows them to experience joy as often as they do. Many answer, “I just choose to. I can decide to be unhappy, or decide to be happy. I choose happy.”

In most cases, I believe people when they say that. (Though my cynicism is standing in the doorway peering in whenever I hear that advice.) It is not for me, however. As much as I, and anyone would like to believe that joy is a simple matter of deciding, the reality is that for many people who are Too XYZ like myself, it will always be more than a simple choice.

No, I need that spiritual anti-histamine. Something(s) that will counteract the excess cynicism, but leave the useful, healthy, and appropriate cynicism intact. It sounds like an irony, but I may have to fight for more joy. Yet the fact that it may require more effort and time doesn’t make joy any less important, does it?

Staying away from people who piss me off. Refusing to find ways to tolerate people that have been intolerable for years. Striving to make new joyful friends. Thinning out my Facebook friends list. Reading success stories of people outside of my own field. Having an element of inspiration show up in some of my fiction. Even the simple act of responding to something with silence. All of these things, and more, are weapons in the fight for joy that I have been collecting. More needs to be done, and given who I am I may never reach the levels of joy some of you posses. (I know some incredibly happy people.) But the effort is worth it. Perhaps the effort itself will bring more joy?

How do you bring joy into your life? Any suggestions?

Speak Up or Shut Up? How Do We Appreciate People?

♦ June 9, 2011 ♦ 1 Comment

There is such a fine line when it comes to people you value. You don’t want to gush about them very often, if at all, because that freaks people out. Yet at the same time if you come to value someone and keep it to yourself all of the time, they may never know, and may find it easier to waltz right out of your life.

As a writer, I am a man of words in many ways.  And I have suffered the consequences both of saying how much I appreciate someone, and of not saying so. If you are curious, the argument that saying something, even if it doesn’t work, is better than never saying anything just doesn’t hold water. Not with me. Whether it be an unfortunate silence on my part, or a frank expression of appreciation that is not well received, the resultant distance between me and the valued person feels just as shitty.

Nor have I ever been able to swallow the bitter medicine of, “people come into and out of your life at random, and there is no sense getting tore up about it when someone leaves.” That advice to me amounts to “love nobody and nothing, and be ready to die alone.”

So what is the answer when we value someone? I suppose the question is poorly phrased, because the answer for each person is in all likelihood different. I know I haven’t figured out my own answer to the question of safe expressions of appreciation, love, respect, or admiration for others as they come into my life. I usually seem to get it wrong.

I think perhaps we have as a people grown too cynical, too defensive, or too afraid of intimacy for which we are not prepared to accept praise of our personhood. Of our work, sometimes, yes, that we can handle. But when we read an email from someone, and look at them across the dinner table and hear them say things like, “You have a terrific sense of humor, and I don’t laugh enough in life. Thank you for making it easier,” the first thing many of us start to think is, “What do they want,” or “I haven’t known him long enough for that to be appropriate,” or, one of my favorites, “I really don’t feel attracted to you in the same way.” As though each time we express the value we have in someone, there is a motive outside of it.

Maybe actions speak louder than words? Maybe by doing a good turn for someone, we can reassure them of their value in our eyes, without them tweaking over it. That might be one answer. Yet I think even then the doubts and cynicism would remain.

It’s not a science, I realize that. But there has to be at least some pattern I would think. Maybe I have just been in the presence of really uptight people my whole life. I don’t know. I only know that the result of my expressing how I feel about people has eight times out of ten wounded me in such a way that with every passing year I feel less willing to do so. And that can’t lead to anything good, can it?

How do you do it?

Why Introverts Hate Small Talk

♦ June 6, 2011 ♦ 27 Comments

I don’t like small talk. No. I hate it. The surprise factor of this statement should hover somewhere near zero for anyone who has read this blog, or who knows me personally. I am an introvert, and in general, we don’t do the small talk thing.

But why? Even extroverts who have read about introverts know that we don’t do small talk, but can’t see what the big deal is. Small talk is such a part of our society, yet half of that very society cannot stand it. I cannot speak for 100% of Introvertkind, but I will lay out some of the reasons I hate it which I think are common to many introverts.
-To begin with, it is exactly the same every time. Anywhere. If you are engaging me in small talk, it means you are treating me in the precise same manner when you approach me as you did the last stranger you approached. And depending on the venue, I may have just seen you approach the person right before me and heard you ask the same asinine questions of them. Just as I will hear you ask them to the person by the punch bowl once you have decided our conversation is over.
-It’s not a conversation. It’s a metric. You are using it to determine the nature of a new person. How they react, how they speak, what they feel like when engaged. It is a horrible way of getting to know me because I hate being tested, and I will usually act accordingly. I don’t have to be rude, but the cues will be there that the nature of the conversation makes me uncomfortable because I know I will be judged by how well I perform at the task.
-Small talk is expected. Want to make sure I, and many other introverts don’t do something? Insist that it is what we are expected to do by everyone else.
-It is irrelevant. If an introvert has decided to leave home and bring himself to a place full of people he doesn’t know, chances are there was a very good reason for it. The reason for the gathering or the meeting. It probably was not easy for him to come, and isn’t a walk in the park to stay. He’d like to get on with the specific reason he attended this function. (Or worse, the reason he was summoned, if you have some kind of authority over him.) Unless the meeting was called to discuss the crab dip and the heat wave, I am not going to be receptive to such talk, despite outward attempts to be polite.
-Small talk is inauthentic. Look, I sympathize with those who use small talk to a degree. I really do. For an extrovert it is a valuable tool to ease into a conversation, and possibly a friendship with a new person. But if they are honest, extroverts will admit that it is just a tool. That even they are not the least bit interested in how difficult it was for me to drive to this building, or if I ran into any traffic on the way. They know that they don’t really care, and I certainly know they don’t care. It is a rouse to start talking to someone new. But I would rather be approached cold with an authentic question, then be warmed up by the small talk.
-It’s a waste of resources. Mindless small talk requires little brain power. Introverts spend most of their time thinking. Processing ideas. Finding themselves engaged in small talk slams on the brakes of their active brain. The subjects are so empty, there is no need to form an opinion and/or argument that they can then share with those around them. Like renting the biggest self-storage unit in the city and storing nothing in it but a roll of paper towels. It is space and money wasted. Small talk is like that roll sitting in the vast expanse of the mind to an introvert. It’s a waste of resources.
-It lacks creativity. Many introverts are creative types, and few things are as bereft of creativity as small talk.
All of this may sound like I am denigrating those who are both good at and enjoy small talk. That is not my intention. My main purpose today is to shine more light on why I and other introverts like myself despise small talk. Because the more I am honest about the reasons, instead of just repeating how much I hate it, the more likely it is someone out there will take an extra moment and consider a new way to approach known introverts. And if that happens, more people win.
Do you do small talk?

Think Best, Not Impress.

♦ June 2, 2011 ♦ 2 Comments

It’s human nature to want to impress people sometimes. I find it hard to believe that there is anybody anywhere who has never at some point tried to impress someone for any number of reasons. And some of those reasons seem legitimate. Yet we tend to conflate doing our best work for someone with impressing them. Yet these are two very different goals.

A goal is something which defines the way we think, act, and react in any given situation. It determines how we move forward. If our goals are misguided, all actions that spring from it will also be so. Setting a goal to impress somebody will in most cases lead to failure because everything becomes about them. Our energies are  focused upon making ourselves look good to only one individual. (Sometimes a group.) Which means we will try to alter our approach every few moments to match what we perceive they want. Our desire to be held in personal esteem by the other person dictates our choices. When that happens, we open ourselves up to feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and diminished confidence.

Instead of impressing people, our goal should be to offer our best at any given time. We need to present our best selves via behavior, ideas, attitudes, etc. We need to give our best audition to a director, present ourselves in the most effective manner at a job interview, put our best products on display when we meet potential clients. It only makes sense to do so.

When our goal is to produce our best work, (within whatever guidelines apply to the situation), we make it about us. Our mental energies are directed toward engaging our talents, and tapping our passion. Improving who and what we are. We become confident in our ability to bring something forth that deserves to have our names attached to it. Such creations have the best chance of attracting the right attention. And though we may be disappointed if we don’t get the part or the job, we come away from the attempt knowing that in the very least we produced something worthy of our own admiration. We don’t come away with even that much when we bend over backwards merely to impress.

Take pride in your work. Your observations. Your being. Let what someone else thinks of it take care of itself. You’ll have nothing that either you, or other people can take pride in if your entire purpose is to impress, impress, impress.

When have you been tempted to impress someone, as opposed to just living your best, and allowing the consequences of same?

Working Hard or Hardly Working: Do We Care?

♦ May 30, 2011 ♦ 3 Comments

“So what do you do for a living?”

I hate this question. Not just when I am asked. I hate the deeply embedded need we have in this country to begin conversations in this manner. The reason I hate it is that the question is indicative of a certain hypocrisy. 

Let’s keep in mind the difference between working hard and making a living. Let’s also remember its twin distinction: the difference between being lazy and not making a living.

There are plenty of people out there who work hard at something. And for whatever reason are unable to make a living directly through that hard work. Or they make less of a living than they need. Sometimes this is because their job doesn’t pay enough. Sometimes it is because that despite of all of their hard work, they cannot get hired at all no matter what they do.

And at what do people work hard if they are not making a living? It depends of course. Some work hard at trying to find employment. Driving and walking around until they are exhausted trying to scrape something together. Others who are not making a living work hard each day at domestic chores. Cleaning, cooking. Sometimes child rearing. Some unemployed expel a great deal of energy volunteering. In many cases, volunteering to take on some rather labor intensive projects which in a just world, they would be paid to do.

Let’s not forget those who create. Artists. Musicians. Writers. If they are serious about their craft, they are working hard at the act of creation each day, whether or not they have found a way to make a living off of it.

Then there are those that are “making a living” who wouldn’t choose to break a sweat in fear of staining their shirt or hurting themselves. Some of the laziest people I have ever met are those lucky enough to find a job.

Let’s look at two people.

The first guy makes no money and lives in the proverbial “mother’s basement”, but spends all morning mowing her lawn, tending her garden and cleaning her house before driving 30 minutes to the local shelter where he spends the next four hours in a hot soup kitchen serving meals to the hungry and homeless. (Those also not making a living, but not lucky enough to have family with whom to live.) In the evening he blogs of his experience at the soup kitchen as he does each night, meticulously editing his content before publishing. Before bed he spends an hour with his guitar, both to unwind, and to stay in practice for the band with whom he sometimes gets to perform for peanuts at local dives. These are his days.

The second guy loves to talk. He’s got some funny jokes and stories, and doesn’t mind sharing them with anyone. One such time of story telling was with an older gentleman at Starbucks. The subject? The internet. This lands him a job with the stranger’s company as a community manager. A job which gives him a desk, an office, and a secretary. A job which is safe for him so long as he appears busy because the company is so far behind on social media practices they will believe whatever he says.

Once an hour or so he’ll send an official company Tweet out to Twitter with some half-assed question he got from someone else. Between hours-long sessions of World of Warcraft on company time he will put together a few emails and send them out, and cut and paste blog content from his own abandoned personal blog, and edit them just enough to put on the company blog. Anytime he hears of an after hours meeting that somebody needs to have with him, he finds a way to be “out on call” that day, and leaves the office an hour early. For this, he pulls down 60K a year.

Now answer this question honestly: On which of these people does society tend to place more value? The hardworking jobless man contributing to the world, or the clod with the office?

It’s the clod, and we all know it.

In our society we pay a lot of lip service to the idea of rewarding hard work, and looking up to those who put in a day’s worth of labor. We claim to abhor laziness and group think. Yet in many cases as a collective we don’t actually seem to be admiring the level of labor and creativity a person displays. What we are in reality admiring is the amount of money they have found a way to be given, and what material possessions they can obtain with same.

My question is, if we value people who work hard and try their best to be creative and solve problems and move and influence for the better, what’s it to us what they are paid, or even if they are paid? Why should we care if that guy lives in his mother’s basement? Isn’t that between him and his mother? We know the effort he puts into service to others and into creating things.  Why is he less deserving of admiration, or friendship, or a woman’s love?

Can’t we all just respect hard work and concentrated effort when we see it? Whether that’s in a corner office, a McDonald’s kitchen, or a mother’s basement. If hard work were the positive character attribute we claim it is in this country, far more people would earn respect and admiration, (and perhaps even a job) than currently do.

What is hard work to you? Do you value anyone who works hard at something positive, or do you value those who make a living only?