Looking Back on the AuGuest Extravaganza
I sit here on the morning of September 1, periodically singing Neil Diamond’s “September Morn” as I am wont to do on this morning every year. In addition to that silliness, I am also looking back over a highly successful experiment here at Too XYZ: The AuGuest Extravaganza.
Over the last 30 days, six of my fellow bloggers/friends have taken the time out of their own busy schedules to contribute thoughts and writings to this blog of mine. They were asked to do so because over the year or so that I have been following most of them, they have shared ideas, goals, and visions of the world that made them stand out from the status quo. Depending on your own viewpoints, what they say and do may or may not be Earth shattering, but it is certainly not beholden to the conventional expectations that many would place on them. On all of us.
Whether they used the terminology or not, these six have indeed lived up to the idea of being Too XYZ to conform to the arbitrary norms of their environments. Not just because they think it would be fun to tell the world to “shove it”, but because who and what they are simply doesn’t allow them to vanish quietly into a flock. Different jobs, goals, religions, and geographical areas separate them, but they resemble each other, and myself, in their level of self acceptance. (And also their writing talents!)
When I first started Too XYZ, I did so in order to more openly express my outlier status in regards to so many common traits found in the multitudes. And unlike most of my AuGuests, I sometimes do have the partial goal of telling the status quo “up yours”. But having these six guests write for this blog last month reinforced the notion that though any given issue may be viewed differently amongst the non-conformists of the world, I am not alone in my resistence to conforming. At least the idea of refusing to conform on everything. I knew it before, but having these guest posts makes that knowledge more personally satisfying.
I didn’t edit any of the posts in any way, (except to change some of Mehnaz’s Canadian spellings to keep my spellchecker at bay.) That is because I was dedicated not to creating a specific style to fit my blog, but to freely share my space in a totally unrestricted way. So that these guests could be exactly what they wanted to be when they posted here. That is what I and this blog are all about, and I am proud to have been able to provide an extra venue for these bloggers. They have encouraged me to seek out even more people that are also Too XYZ for bullshit. And they showed that having guest posts is a mostly painless experience. It will happen again.
Bringing my ideas, and sometimes even my feelings into the realm of other people’s consciousness, and making them think, if only for a moment, in a different way. I hope I have done that, with both my posts, and with allowing the AuGuest posts last month. I can assure you, each of them has managed to make me think a bit differently myself.
And so here’s to the AuGuests of 2010, my first six guest posters ever:
-Brianne Villano, of Living Out Loud
-Jen Gresham of Everyday Bright
-Mehnaz Thawer of Speak Softly and Carry and Red Pen
-Jamie Nacht Farrell of BizRelationships
-J. Maureen Henderson of GenerationMeh
-Laryssa Wirstiuk of Comma ‘n Sentence
All of these people emphasize the importance of doing it your own way. Or at least doing something in this world your own way, even if that be just thinking and expressing. If you too value these characteristics, read not only their posts here on my blog from last month, but also each of their own blogs. I promise you, if I am not Too XYZ to get something out of them, (and I’m not), neither are you.
Be Interesting, But Allow Others to Be So Too: By Laryssa Wirstiuk
James Franco is a Bad Influence, by J. Maureen Henderson
While James Franco might have legitimate creative gifts and superhuman stamina that allows him to juggle a Hollywood career with multiple demanding grad programs, he also has the luxury of being James Franco and the benefits (an assistant who ensures that he gets from point A to B and remembers to eat, a built-in fan base for his works, an unconfirmed but highly likely easier academic ride than his anonymous classmates) that this entails. The rest of us don’t. This lack of resources doesn’t seem to temper our desire to be or have it all, though, nor does it dissuade the self-actualization for all set from peddling the pipe dream that anyone can be a location independent, passive-incoming generating, lifestyle-designed, multiple-hat-wearing, entrepreneurial whiz kid.
The truth is that most of us don’t have limitless resources to pursue multiple callings and that by choosing X, we really are closing the door on Y and maybe Z. This is the way of the world. Being an astronaut –poet-chef at a professional level ain’t gonna happen (at least not concurrently). There’s a natural tendency to resist this reality, of course. No one likes to be told that they can’t have what they think they want. But even if you are able to balance a bill-paying gig with an engaging sideline that speaks to your passion, there are still only so many hours in the day. Not every great opportunity can be pursued, not every rabbit hole is worth plunging headlong down. And trying to do so (because you believe that you should be able to manage or that that way fulfilment lies) is a recipe for exhaustion, burnout and a frazzled, middling effort on a bunch of tasks instead of a solid performance on a few. It will catch up with you and if your juggling skills are anything like mine (there are only so many times you can hit yourself in the eye with a beanbag before the rage descends, FYI), it’ll be sooner rather than later.
But even if you do accept that you need to get off the multi-tasking merry-go-round and stop letting your head be turned by flights of fancy, how do you do that? It starts with figuring out/determining/deciding on your focus (of the astronaut-poet-chef triad, which will reign supreme?). Make a pro/con list, listen to your gut instinct (and if you don’t have one, that’s a whole ‘nother issue) or just throw a dart if that’s your thing. Once you’ve identified where you want to concentrate your energy, put the blinders on when it comes to projects that will distract from it. Sure, you’ll have to say no to some genuinely cool stuff, but you’ll be balancing that by saying yes to other opportunities that will support your focus. It’s difficult and disappointing to have to pass on getting involved in interesting diversions, but keep in mind that these diversions are someone else’s priority area and by devoting your energy to their cause, you’re actually draining it from your own. Sometimes, it’s strategic and smart to be a little single-minded or self-absorbed. At least until you’ve achieved James Franco status and have the means to support your dilettante inclinations to your heart’s content*.
*You still might want to skip the bodily fluid inspired art installations, though.
J. Maureen Henderson is the author of the Generation Meh personal development blog.
My Guest Post at Everyday Bright
All kinds of things going on at Too XYZ today! To begin with, I wanted to promote my guest post over at Jen Gresham’s Everyday Bright. In it, I talk about the importance, to other people and to ourselves, of making sure we maintain plenty of “in person” communication and company with our friends in this highly digital age. Click on the link and check that out now. Jen is a great blogger and a major supporter of this blog, as I am of hers. She was also one of this month’s AuGuests if you will recall.
Dabbling in the "Taboo"
I do a lot of theatre. Most of my local “friends”, (as in, one’s to whom I could drive in an hour or less) were made through theatre over the years. Furthermore, a very large percentage of people in this “theatre circle” know one another. And have known one another for many, many years. In this context, though I have known a few of them for 6 years or so, I am still the relative newcomer to the group.
Now, some of these people are great friends with one another, and some are just casual acquaintances. But the fact is, 90% of my local “friends” are in the same social network. And for a while, it gave the impression that I too was friends with, or connected to a great many people. (Network theory for you.)
The fact of the matter is, however, that I am not that well connected with many of them. I keep putting “friends” in quotation marks here, because most of them do not do what friends do. Not by my definition of the word anyway. There is little emotional support when I am in need. None of my invitations are accepted, and I am invited infrequently to things myself. They don’t read my blogs, follow me on Twitter, or come see my shows, unless they are in them themselves. I have never been visited by a single one of them at home. Messages, texts, voice mails are rarely returned. My increasingly rare offers to help them with projects are never reciprocated when I am in need of assistance in mine. All of those types of things seem to be reserved for each other.
You get the idea.
It has only been in the last few years that I have come to realize this about a lot of them. The friendships I thought I had I realize I just don’t. They fail to live up to all of my standards for friendship in many cases. And there are any number of possible reasons.
Some are just asses, I suppose. Masters in the art of being fake. Some I gather do not like my honesty, even when they beg me to share it with them. Others may have changed so much internally that there is no longer room for the likes of me. Some are just small, and don’t treat anybody that well when the chips are down.
So maybe I don’t need them in my life. Or maybe I need a way to determine who among them, if anybody, values me in my entirety, and not simply as a dancing bear that entertains them at times. It may not be fullproof, but I have a plan which will, I hope, help clear things up a bit; I am going to dabble in the “taboo”.
You see, I don’t openly discuss my politics, my religion, my views on sex, or marriage, or any of those other things about which we are not supposed to talk if we want to keep our friends. (Or so they say.) And while occasional comments, decisions, and Facebook status updates have probably over the years given many people a broad sketch of where I stand, in most cases I have never come out and stated my position on any number of things. As a result, more than one person sees me as a bit “mysterious” or even “withdrawn”. Worse, I fear incorrect conclusions about my beliefs may have been drawn by some.
I haven’t hidden my positions on things because I fear reprisal. I value my principles too much to sacrifice them just to make “friends”. In fact I have lost some because I couldn’t ignore such things. But at the same time I haven’t felt the need to broadcast all my beliefs to certain people because our relationships were not based on my views on such issues. (Not to mention the fact that it is pretty much a guarantee that most of my local people are not going to be coming from the same place that I am on such matters.) What is the point in risking offense when a crisis of conscience is not taking place? After all, I can live my beliefs without having to say what they are. If doing something violates my heart, I won’t do it. Why make a speech about it?
But I have started to wonder over the last few years if that silence is wise. Whether this “mystery” quality to me, this diplomatic ambiguity has prevented some people, (though not all) from engaging me as fully as they otherwise might have done. Could the very reticence that I utilized in order to keep friendships stronger actually have contributed to this emotional force field I detect between me and so many others? There is only one way to find out.
To this end, I have been planning for some time now a series of messages, probably in video form, for my private Facebook page. Messages that will reveal my position on certain key areas on which I have been mostly silent over the years. (Silent with this group anyway.) Matters like religion, sex, friendship. The purpose of the messages will not be to offer counter arguments to the views of others, but to provide a more full picture of myself. That way, at least in my mind, people can begin to make choices about how close or far from me they want to be based on a little more than “he is mysterious”.
This isn’t a perfect plan. For one thing, there is no guarantee anybody will read/watch the messages. But then, if they don’t that might be an answer of a sort right there. Another problem is that not every question can be answered in a message. A clear position on one thing often leads to more questions. And there is the very real possibility that I will lose even the superficial friendships of some of these people.
Indeed, my positions on any number of taboo or personal subjects varies a great deal from that of many of the folks in this large, local circle. And while some may have been content with my company through the ambiguity, they may decide that my company is undesirable once they hear certain things directly from my lips without having to deduce anything themselves. This may even be true for some of the few people in the group that have actually treated me with respect and engaged my privately. It is a very real risk.
Losing connections is not a pretty prospect, regardless of the reasons. So to an extent I do fear it. But unlike in previous years, I feel things are reaching a point where I must either fish, or cut the bait, as it were, with some of these people. I am at a point in my life where I would like to have a better idea of who my real friends are, and who wants to become closer to the total me. The distance I keep from these subjects doesn’t provide that level of assurance with this crop of people.
And perhaps it will not be as bad as all of that. Perhaps there may even be a handful of people who have wanted to get to know me on a more personal level, but have never known how to ask certain questions. These messages may give them a needed opening to allow our friendship to blossom further.
I guess the whole thing is like pulling weeds. Or better yet, like a fire. The true friends and people I want in my life won’t burn up when I light this torch. They, like gems, will remain long after I have burned away all the chaff in my garden of “friends”.
Moderation is still the key, though. I don’t intend to use these messages to attack the view points of others. And I don’t intend to constantly speak what I believe. (Some of them do this, and it drives my crazy. But if they are going to shout their beliefs all the time, I might as well level the playing field once in a while, am I right?) The goal is education, not pontification.
I am still an intensely private person in many ways. I am not going to reveal every intimate thought I have to these people, or to anyone for that matter. I am still an introvert after all. But there comes a time when you have to at least place the “You Are Here” sticker on the map of your life, so other people have a sense of what to expect. 5 years ago, being polite and being a fellow actor was enough. I sense now that with these locals, it isn’t anymore. They have to either love or hate me based on something more than what they currently have. So, in the best way I can, I hope to give some more to them.
I am sure even after I do this, there will be fake people in my circle. People that pay lip service to loving me, but never showing it. But in the end, I suppose I am not really doing it for them. I am doing it for me. It feels more authentic for me to do this, despite the consequences. I feel that I want these people to know more about my spirit now. What they will do with a more clear picture of that will, in the end, be up to them.
Have any of you struggled with being open about something in a similar manner to this? I know that most other people my age are from the “privacy is dead, share every little thought you have and fuck everybody else” mentality. But that isn’t me, and never will be.
Ty Unglebower 