What I Learned From "What I learned From"
World of Warcraft. Watching the NFL Draft. Burning Man. The BP Oil Spill. Being Bedridden for a week. Getting dumped. Getting lost in the New York Subway System. Making my first souffle.
These are just some of the catalysts for some of the blog posts I remember reading in the last year. Some good, some bad, but all with this common thread…each author learned some kind of valuable life or career lesson from engaging in the seemingly unrelated title activity. Said titles often in fact begin with “What I Learned From Doing X.” Or it’s popular cousin, “What Doing X Taught Me About Y”.
Not the most creative impetus for a blog post. But legitimate for the most part, I suppose. But sometimes like the ubiquitous “X is like life…” platitude, the “What I Learned From X” posts inspire me to wonder if we are standing off to the side of a bigger point.
Notice I didn’t say missing the point, because if playing dodgeball or shopping for t-shirts has honestly helped you realize something that improves your outlook on life, than more power to you. You have at least brushed up against something that to you is a truth. Good for you.
But I don’t know that you have hit it dead on if you believe that it was the activity itself that taught you whatever lesson about which you felt compelled to write. I think rather something dawned on you because of your state of mind when engaging in said activity.
Most of the “What I Learned From X” posts, relate to activities that either cause a great deal of joy for the blogger, (The World of Warcraft, Watching the NFL Draft types), or caused maybe a little bit of survivable anxiety. (Bedridden. Getting dumped.) In other words, those that have learned from their activities, whether all of a sudden or by way of a gradual education over the years, were actively engaged in something. Maybe not by their own choice, but even the pain we suffer makes us actively engaged in it, at least at first. We run from it later at our own peril, but that is another post.
And by actively engaged I don’t merely mean doing something. I know plenty of people who spend days at a time on World of Warcraft and I assure you they have never learned a thing. They are there to escape, or to conquer, or to feed an ego, or just to be lazy. No, engagement in this sense entails an exploration of nuance. An attention to detail. A voracious desire to understand the broader implications. And most importantly in all of this, a willingness to learn. That’s active engagement in something. And if you are actively engaged in this fashion with anything, you will learn something. Again, maybe the learning doesn’t happen in an instant, but by the time you write about learning something, you have been open to being taught, obviously.
So by all means continue to chronicle your lessons and enlightenment. Let chess or baking or what have you by the means by which you are engaged in existence. But always remember it is the engagement, far more than the activity, that is teaching you something.
We are here to live, folks. Go do so.
And that is what I have learned from all of the “What I have learned” posts.
Coming into the Light: A Shot at Opacity, by Mehnaz Thawer
All my life, I’ve been invisible to some degree. For those that already know me, you’ll know I have a penchant for complete candour, and you can hear my rambunctious ramblings from a mile away. This isn’t what I’m talking about.
Much like many introverts, I take a liking to “behind the scenes” types of work. I used to be in a choir and subsequently, a stage manager, a communications manager and all kinds of managerial posts that required that I be behind the scenes. Given that these were supposed to be fun endeavours, it was always a lot of work. When I was thanked on stage – as often is the case when you have a big blow-out-end-of-the-year concert – I would have to come onto the stage, under a spotlight, which would cause me to blush (given my naturally dark skin-tone, you can imagine this might have been quite the feat)!
It’s not so much that I didn’t want my work recognized, and that I didn’t appreciate a thank you here and there; it’s just that I worked really hard to appear invisible when I could. Call it a natural aversion to attention or what have you, but I have to say, after a while, it started to get old.
Recently, I spoke to a woman who pointed out that I very much liked being alone, and being recognized meant taking responsibility for myself – something I appear not to be completely comfortable with.
I got to thinking about how this connected to my life. I noticed that I tended to bury myself in work until nobody could really find me. I make excuses for my invisibility (and not strangely, I know a lot of people who do).
While being okay with your invisibility is fine (we’re not spotlight-mongers), we tend to miss out on opportunities that really benefit us, when people recognize who we are and what we do.
As lame as it sounds, my concerted effort to walk into the light is going to be by joining something – for fun! It has to be something where I’m not working, where I can use my skills and my language to network, and to be grateful for praise and attention.
If you’re anything like me, and spend your life hanging out “behind the scenes”, make an effort to do something where you are forced into the light. Might sound like it’s on the lighter side of being too XYZ, but you’ll be surprised how difficult it is.
At the risk of sounding frivolous, be opaque, so that people don’t look through you, so that they remember to recognize you properly for your contributions, your humour, your brief moments of endearing stridency.
What have you done lately to come out into the spotlight?
Mehnaz is a professional writer in Vancouver and the owner of “Speak Softly and Carry a Red Pen”.
A Fetish for Change?
I sometimes think that people go overboard with the whole “life is change” thing. There are so many religions, modes of operation, slogans, mottoes, blog posts, platitudes, proverbs, and all around contemplation, (and sometimes pontification) over the inevitability of change, and I sometimes doubt not only it’s usefulness, but it’s accuracy.
True. A lot of things in our life have the potential to change. For good or for bad. But to begin with, does the high level of potential for a thing mean that it is inevitable? Is the fact that something could occur mean that we should accept “constant change” as a world view? I say no, because that is just inviting instability into many aspects of our lives. It deprives us of any degree of a blueprint for moving forward if we are not careful. We become reeds in the wind of time, producing whatever whistled tune the world decides to play for us.
What’s worse about it, I think we deprive ourselves of certain dedications, goals, loves, if we begin everything we embark upon with “this is only temporary, no matter how good people think it is.”
Way to rally the troops, there. If that’s your attitude, go join a Kansas cover band. (Think about it…)
I’m on a second floor apartment. I have faith that I am not going to fall through the floor. It has been inspected. Maintained. I see the landlord around here all the time. Every indication is that I have every right to assume the floor is going to stay under me throughout the entire duration of my living in this domicile. One day, this building, and this floor beneath me, and even the city in which the building sits, will not exist. This I grant you. But the idea that the floor will support my weight as I live here is not something I find subject to any practical change. It is a fact. A constant from the perspective of a life, if not from the perspective of the entire Universe.
Some will no doubt point out that I can never know. There may be a change that makes the floor fall out from under me, and maybe even kill me in the process. And to this physical possibility I yield. Somebody could chuck a bomb at this building. A tornado could come through and rip it apart. A rare earthquake. Each of those would cause obvious change. But does that mean I should live my life in this apartment each day saying to myself,
“The next step I take in this apartment could be the one that collapses the floor. I might as well embrace the possibility of falling to my death. I should learn to be excited by the process of tumbling in a heap of rubble and being buried in same one day. I should appreciate it, because life is change, after all. You can’t count on anything.”
I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel that embracing the possibility that the floor could cave in is a prescription for a happy life.
Yet people apply this rationale to things other than my admittedly extreme example. They don’t aim for job security, or they don’t make lasting relationships their goal, because, “everything is change, and the more I accept that, the happier I will be.”
Really? You don’t think you might be avoiding the emotional commitment of establishing something “permanent” in your life by saying these things?
Maybe the very fact that there is so much change that we cannot control in our lives is why we should all work even harder to establish something that is more resistant to change. Something that can withstand at least the storms that we know are likely to happen in a day, or a lifetime. And as for the highly unlikely scenarios, we can’t prepare for them to any great degree anyway. So why not shoot for something permanent?
And permanent things do exist, when taking from the perspective of a human and not a god. Long lasting marriages. People that live in the same house their entire lives. True friendships. Those lucky enough to find and follow their callings. These things I feel are in fact examples of permanence, in so far as everything that is alive at some point will of course die. I just don’t think that the fact I will one day die an earthly death signifies that life is nothing but change.
To embrace positive changes as we seek to improve our lot is one thing. So is being prepared for the possibilities of bad changes knocking us off course. But both of these concepts differ from this notion of,
“The hell with it. I’m not going to fall in love with anything, because everything constantly changes anyway. Whatever.”
There is nothing wrong with building something to last. There is nothing wrong with looking for things that are long lasting, or even permanent in our lives. Working for those things. Struggling, even dying for them, if needs must. And when such things fail it’s okay to mourn them, instead of pretending it doesn’t bother you because “everything changes”.
I say things are always happening in life. Whether or not that has to mean change all the time is to a great degree up to us.
What about you? What is your take on change? Do you head into battle assuming it will happen, or merely accept it if it does? Is anything permanent from the human perspective? Does embracing change mean that setting goals and keeping relationships is difficult or meaningless? Let me know.
Not for Love or Money: A Better Way to Choose a Career, by Jen Gresham
- Served as a first line supervisor for an analysis lab
- Performed original research as a graduate student
- Managed a portfolio of basic research grants
- Taught college level chemistry
- Provided scientific guidance and vision for a medium-sized research lab
- Headed corporate communications for a large research organization
Each of those jobs required different skills and presented an entirely new environment to navigate. When I was choosing a major, I only imagined one of those jobs, the one it turned out I enjoyed the least. Most people don’t realize that performing research is a lot of tedious and careful detail work punctuated by the occasional big a-ha moment (if you’re lucky). On the other hand, serving as a scientific adviser played to my big picture focus and gave me continual learning opportunities.
Talking to your instructors in school will rarely give you this kind of insight, because most of them have spent their careers solely in academia. They won’t be much help to you in deciding on a career unless you want to do research and teach.
3. Flexibility is the key to air power. We say this a lot in the Air Force, because it’s true, even though we’re trapped in a huge bureaucracy. This is another reason why dreaming is so important.
Here’s where my father was both right and wrong. I love science. When I was a teacher, I always got the highest ratings in the department for enthusiasm. The problem with all my jobs wasn’t the science, it was everything else. There’s more to being a scientist than just science. In fact, that’s true of any job.
Nicolas Lore, in his book The Pathfinder, points out most people spend more time figuring out what car to drive than what they want to do with their lives. What you need to do is determine what you really require (not just love), and then pinpoint the job that satisfies your requirements. After working through all the exercises in the book, I realized the perfect career for me is to be…a writer.
One of the joys of life is exploring. I have no regrets about the winding path I’ve taken to find the perfect career. It’s been fun. The thing I really wish my father had told me was not to fret too much about my choices, career or otherwise. A career is like building a house. You need a solid foundation, but you should be prepared for significant additions and remodels over the course of a lifetime. That’s what gives it character. The career that doesn’t grow with you probably isn’t one worth having.
Jennifer Gresham is a 1994 graduate of the Air Force Academy. She earned her PhD in biochemistry from the University of Maryland and recently entered the Air Force Reserves as a Lieutenant Colonel. She published a book of poetry entitled Diary of a Cell, which won the 2004 Steel Toe Books poetry prize. She now writes about personal and professional fulfillment at her blog Everyday Bright.
Help Out the Helpers
“I’ve got it, thanks.” “You don’t have to worry about it.” “I’ll be fine.”
These are some of the most common things we say to those who offer to help us at times we don’t feel we need the help. I imagine that half the time people do need help but don’t like to admit it. The other half of the time, they utter these phrases because they honestly don’t really NEED any help with whatever the problem or situation may be.
I’m writing this post to advocate what may seem like an unusual position; half of the time you don’t need any help with something, accept it when it’s offered anyway.
When people offer to help you, whether it be with the dishes after a dinner at your home, or with getting through a difficult romantic break up, what they really want to do in most cases is two things. First, they want to feel useful. Second, and more importantly, they want to the give demonstrative support to you in some way. My take is that when we say, “No thanks,” we are depriving our friends of the ability to know that they have meant something to us in our times of need, small and large.
Just as when you are in trouble you feel better, more loved, more appreciated when someone is there to help you through something, people who see someone in trouble feel like they are more fully loving someone when they are able to help. Everyone has their problems, again little ones as well as big. And sometimes helping someone with one of theirs also helps us through one of ours. The very atmosphere created when someone is lending a hand to someone else has healing properties for many.
Don’t give away the store. Protect your privacy. And if you want to be alone, by all means by so. But when your daily difficulties, or tremendous pains are obvious to others, it can be a very trying thing to your friends when they watch you go through something and feel unable to help at all. So, if you honestly don’t think you could use any help with something once it is offered, meet people halfway. Give them something smaller they can do.
–Even if you can get your door open with the packages you are holding, let them open it anyway.
–When a guest wants to help you set up or clean up a meal, give them some of the smaller tasks that won’t interfere with how you run your home. Let them set out the plates, or wipe off the table. Maybe sweep the kitchen.
–If you are feeling very down about something, ask those that want to help you somehow to send you some quotations, or a book, or something along those lines which is designed to encourage people in your position. Non-intrusive but active way for others to get involved. (And believe me this is kind of a big one. People who like to help often seem to be people who love to look for quotations, articles, and books for their friends.)
You get the idea. Don’t let an out of place sense of rugged individualism get in the way of helping others feel useful around you. The same goes for being afraid of burdening someone else with extra work. The vast majority of people who offer to help out with something actually want to do so. You don’t have to do everything alone. People are there for you. But if you constantly give the impression you don’t ever want or need anybody’s help, they are likely to back away eventually. And then where will you be?
And who knows? You may find the little tasks you assign to the willing actually end up making your life easier, or making you feel better after all.
Ty Unglebower 