Circumstantial Self-Confidence
I don’t know how to assess my self confidence sometimes. And that goes for more than one endeavor: writing, acting, making friends.
I mention this because lately I’ve found myself a bit overwhelmed by just how different my perceptions of the world are from the mainstream. Now before you choke, rest assured I am not advocating mindless conformity, as I don’t think I could conform in many ways even if I wanted to. I’m forever bound to swim somewhat against the current.
And doing so has been the mark of many a leader, many an artist, and many a simply interesting dude. So there is no intrinsic problem with it. Except lately, having a brain that works differently, (I didn’t say “better”) than most people around me, even most of the artists I know, has not flipped a switch of success in many areas.
When you’re eccentric, and you succeed because of that eccentricity in some way, it’s easy to take pride in your traits and quirks. Being different equates with being a different kind of success in that case. Yet with me, my differences have, I’m afraid to say, held me back more than they have helped me, and I have in recent times come to doubt my overall value.
I fully realize that one’s value should not be determined by the rest of the world. One should believe in one’s abilities and vision, and go boldly forth into the world of convention, ready to carve out a new path. March to the beat of that different drummer, knowing that the music one hears is the music that was written for them. But how practical is that? Is that lofty ideal truly attainable in all circumstances? I’m not sure it is, because I’m finding that despite my best efforts to do and be some of what society expects, I’m not moving, influencing or helping a whole lot of people. In short, my quirks (many of which are too much a part of me to be altered safely) have not allowed me to make a difference.
When one is an artist, some degree of their self-worth is connected to the impact their work has on other people, does it not? The reputation of a truly creative person should proceed them, and encourage others to take part in their endeavors, either as participants or consumers. I can’t say I’ve managed that very much in the last few years.
The quirks of an eccentric should at least appeal to someone, (or a small group of someones), or they are not eccentric, but rather just undesirable. Unlovable. I look at the overall lack of charisma and charm I posses, based on my lack of popularity even among groups of similar mindsets and interests. I ask myself, “Am I really that far off the beaten path?”
I don’t eschew personal improvement when it’s applicable, but to a larger extent, in many aspects of my life, I am what I have always and shall ever be. Lately it doesn’t seem like enough, and I’m a bit depressed about it.
Particularly when I consider that one is never supposed to admit these things. Conventional wisdom forbids it. “Nobody wants to know you are depressed. Everybody avoids those people who aren’t happy all the time. If you are worried about your place in the world and the frequency of your success, you must not like yourself. And if you don’t like yourself, nobody else is going to.”
What can I say? Fuck that, I’m sharing my worries here anyway.
Furthermore, I actually do have a generally positive view of myself. I feel I am fairly intelligent, creative, polite, moral. I try to help people when it is within my power to do so. I see most of my ideas as worthy ones. But when everyone else around me all the time sees little of value in what I propose, or create, or try to do, (based on the metric of how much it is consumed and inquired after, and assisted with), it takes a toll on one’s circumstantial self-confidence.
That’s a term I made up as far as I know, but as you can guess, circumstantial self-confidence refers to how much faith one has in his ability to succeed given his circumstances and history. Mine over the last few years of failed projects, ended friendships and abandoned endeavors has been rather low. I may think I am intelligent and worthy, but if nobody around me ever sees me as worthy of their time, their investment, their interest, I cannot accomplish much of anything within the constructs of being a writer/artist, can I?
So, I’m in a bit of a circumstantial self-confidence crisis, and I am not sure what to do about it.
I guess all I can do is keep creating stuff, keep trying to get people to see the value in what I do, and hope one day I manage to do it. Though I admit that after several failed attempts and limited resources, I become less and less likely to strike out in my unique way into the world, and blaze a path.
Ever feel like this?
Nanowrimo Update 3
It’s past the halfway mark of Nanowrimo 2013. I’m happy to report I am still on pace, as of now. There were a couple of nights I felt a bit too tired to write, but I pushed through and got it done. I even got done my largest section of writing in one sitting a few days ago. Almost 3,000 words. Not bad.
Also went to the second write-in. That went well, but not as well as the first one. My laptop was acting up, and it took about 30 minutes before everything was fixed. Or “fixed” as it seemed more random than anything else. As a result I not only was a bit distracted, but I had less time in which to write. I still got to the daily quota, but it was rougher seas that time. Hopefully tomorrow, during the penultimate write-in, things will go more smoothly.
I also hope the plot will run smoothly. I am not in the midst of the investigation of the murder mystery within the novel. The last two sessions therefore have felt a tad unstable. I believe I’ve foreshadowed most of the clues to the crime, it’s just a matter of creating a sensible narrative to reveal them. It’s this aspect that has felt a bit shaky the last few days. I’ve taken a slight curve in order to address some of those issue, but I think I am headed back to the main highway now. I still think this will present the biggest challenge of the entire exercise, this long middle of clue revealing. I see a few small pitfalls already. But just today I came up with a patch that may help some of it run more smoothly for a while.
Less than two weeks. I’m up to 32,000 words or so, therefore word count is in the bag, all things being equal. I will have to pour on the coal to finish the story, however. But I’ve already moved several things at a faster pace than normal for me. It feels a bit odd at times, but I feel I can do it again to get the story done.
Egghead Writing and Guilt-Free Skimming
A few weeks ago I went to an annual used book sale that happens near my home. On that particular day they give you a large paper grocery bag. Six dollars for all the books you can fit into it. I made out pretty well; I got about 20 books for my six bucks.
I picked up anything that seemed even remotely interesting. I didn’t ponder a whole lot. If it struck me as a “maybe” in any other situation, it went right into the bag. in the end, I calculated that each book I was getting would cost roughly 40 cents, given how many I had in the end, so if one, or several were no good, I wasn’t out anything but the time I spent. That’s what Bookmooch is for.
I’ve read the first two; a book of quotations and a book about running an acting class from decades ago. (Read my brief review of that book here.) Then I moved to the third book from the “magic” bag. (Though I’ve since thrown the actual bag away.)
I’ll say it was also a decades old, but highly acclaimed book about drama and the stage. You do’t find books like that just anywhere these days, so again, being an actor and dashing madly about looking for printed treasure. I checked the back cover, read a few sentences of the introduction, and deemed it bag-worthy and moved on.
Not long into it, it became clear that it was probably Bookmooch fodder at this point.
That’s because it’s written in academic prose so thick, consisting of sentences so long, (one of them two thirds of the page) that one would need to have notebook paper and 20 minutes set aside in order to determine what five pages of it meant. I tried for a while, thinking that being a student of theatre as well as a writer should make me able to decipher what was being presented. Yet the smoke only cleared here and there. I figured if I’m barely able to comprehend a book written about one of the main pursuits of my life, it’s time to move on.
Why do people do that? Why does so many academics feel a presentation or approach have to read like pulling teeth? Is it to make what would otherwise be a point that the regular guy could understand accessible only to egg heads with Oxford Dictionaries attached surgically to their own asses? I don’t know. I’ve never known. I do know this, however; my bookshelf is filled with academic books that don’t do what this book does. Books of depth, intelligence, insight but also sentence structure and diction that can be read without laborious dissection of every clause.
In short, they are actual books, as books should be. I know that’s a bit of a low blow, as obviously plenty of people are satisfied with such labyrinthine writing, but for my part, I pick up a book to experience its ideas or its story. If the idea in a book is lost to me because it is a complex idea that I need to mull over, that’s fine. But if the idea eludes me because the writing itself is inaccessible or boring, then no thank you.
Sometimes I will skim such books, to see if I can glean from it a few passages of coherence. I don’t need to understand or enjoy 100% of such a book in order to find value in keeping it on my shelf. Skimming this one produced no lasting results. So, as I said, it’s out of here.
Skimming has produced some results for the next book from the magic bag. This one also about theatre, but only on a certain level. It’s a collection of interviews about the state of American playwrighting. It was published about 25 years ago, so the observations about the state of American theatre are outdated. Discussions of having met who and receiving what award are also of little interest to me. What is of interest, however, is that each playwright interviewed was asked to share their thoughts about the writing process. I’ve not heard of most of them, but by skimming to the sections that talk about their writing process, I’m finding much to enjoy and contemplate. The rest is just so much outdated insider kibitzing, from what I can tell.
But it doesn’t matter. As I get older, I feel less guilt about skimming books under certain circumstances. Again, this volume cost me about 40 cents total. If I only skip to the parts about the writing, and skim over the rest, I’m not even out the price of an order of fries. And I gain much more than I would trying to read every interview word for word. If the remaining interviews I skim for thoughts on writing prove as thought provoking as the first several, if only for a few minutes, this book is probably going on the shelf.
I wonder if, in the end, a smart reader is the one who reads in such a way that they glean the most out of the material. (So long as it is true.) I ask you, who is the wiser reader out of the following two scenarios.
1) Somebody has ten dense academic tomes before him. Reading a page in each one requires much study and rereading and dissection, not to mention breaks from the material for long periods while he reads something else. But he persists, and finishes each and every one. But it takes him years and retains maybe three or four pieces of information. (Even the, only after much clawing, digging, grinding labor.)
2) A guy with twice as many books that strike him as interesting at first, but who is willing to set the boring thick one aside in order to start the next one. The second being not as bad as the first this guy nevertheless skips through to find the knowledge most useful to him, writes his thoughts in the margins, folds what he has found in the dozens of useful snippets into his consciousness, and proceeds to the next book. (Snippets he may not have been able to get to, had he numbed his mind by forcing his way through the entire book.)
He may even find the next one easier to read because of the snippets he found skimming the previous one. By the time he is finished with his pile, he’s only read maybe three of them cover to cover, but has found pieces of value in all but three, because he is willing to skim. This takes a few months tops.
My money is on guy number two. Though to be fair, I am guy number two.
Do you skim? Do you give up books that aren’t engaging your mind?
Nanowrimo Week Two Update
Novel Writing Month is in full swing, and I am still where I need to be.
I’m currently up to just over 20,000 words. The Nano site’s projection have me reaching 50,000 by November 25. I only pay casual attention to that projection, though. One, because things can fluctuate greatly any given day. And two, because I’m going for novel completion, not just 50,000 words written.
But the plot is moving along better than I thought it might so far. I have a long way to go, and I’m sure there are many knots left to untangle. I have, however, been able to reveal some main plot points in less time than I thought I could. For example, at 20,000 words I have introduced everyone, set the scene, left several clues and allowed the dead body to be discovered.
As I write any given scene, new chances to present clues to the crime reveal themselves. That has happened so often in fact that I’ve set aside a notebook to write them down in as they come. It’s almost like a reverse outlining process; major points come up as I write, to be referred to later. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I can tell you a rough shape of the crime and its eventual solving is starting to form. It’s still back in the shadows, but I can see it, and I didn’t think I’d be able to this early on. Here’e hoping that success continues.
The big update for today is about my first ever Nanowrimo write-in! Last Tuesday, I and about 13 other writers gathered at the local library with our laptops and began working on our projects. I’ve never done that before, but I’m glad I did. It was a great time.
At first I thought I’d be too uneasy writing in front of others. (I’d never done that before, either.) But as the group got under way, and the staccato clicking of a dozen people typing on keyboards filled the cozy conference room, I came to realize how useful such a setting could be.
For while I didn’t write as fast, or as consistently as I do at home, I did manage to get just about as many words down during the session as I do during a session at home. I think the main reason is that I was there to write, as was everyone else. So there were no distractions, like there are at home sometimes. I could either sit there and do nothing at all, (pointless), I could get up and leave, (impossible, as I was the substitute moderator that day), or I could embrace the time and the mood and just write. I took some breaks here and there and just listened to everyone else typing, but I quickly got back to what I was doing, and before I knew it had the lion’s share of a chapter done.
I didn’t do well in the two word wars we had. I didn’t think I would, though, I am a bit more like an active marathoner than a sprinter when it comes to such things as this anyway. But the key is to write, and I did.
I also met several new people, which is nice. It’s not often one can meet other people with similar interests just by showing up at a conference room and writing. I mean writing isn’t like hiking, where there is a group and you meet people on your way. It’s generally a pretty solitary endeavor. But in the few minutes before we go started, we all chatted a bit, and that was a nice way to get started. I look forward to the next write in, which is tomorrow evening in the same place. (So quiet, with nice chairs. I wish I could have my regular writer’s meeting in there instead of the noisy, crowded coffee shop, but the library isn’t open late enough.)
That’s where I am with Nano for now. I’m trying not to think too much about the complications lying in wait for me in the next few chapters in my novel. But perhaps by the time I get to them, they won’t be as complicated as I fear now.
How’s your novel going?
Potpourri
General thoughts and recent adventures.
-I am sore for a second straight day, for multiple reasons. The first and main reason is that a few days ago, I engaged in some aerobics. Actually I engaged in exactly one half of the first, baby steps training lesson on a DVD of aerobic exercises. My attempt to lose some weight continues, and as per suggestions from various people, I’m trying to mix it up a bit, instead of just walking.
I will keep mixing, but I don’t know if I will keep doing this tape. If I was wheezing and exhausted only halfway through the first lesson, and sore to the point of not being able to walk much after two days, I don’t think I’ve found the answer to my exercise situation. The whole thing made me feel as though I was not in any way shape or form in shape. This, in stark contrast to, (when I’ve been going a few days) being able to walk 3-5 miles at a brisk pace without a lot of trouble.
Yes I know aerobics are faster, but I didn’t think there were going to present such a huge difference in how I felt. No pain no gain, I know, but if it’s so much pain you can’t do anything else with your day, there’s a problem, right? (And why, of all things, does my mouth and jaw hurt when I overexert??)
So I hobble around a bit lately.
-I didn’t hobble too much to go to town and get a flu shot at my mother’s work yesterday, however. Last year was the first time I ever got one. I don’t get flu every year, but I decided last year it was worth the pain to up my stakes against said flu. Last year it didn’t hurt. This year it sting a bit, and my arm is a little sorer a day later than it was last year.
One good thing about all the soreness lately is that by force I have to slow down. And when I slow down, sometimes I feel better, mentally. One of the few good things about non-stomach related short-term sickness is that I don’t have the energy to devoted to being restless or worried as much. So I sometimes, in a twisted way, find the slightest relief when I am bedridden a few days. But, in the end I’d rather be well, so I got the shot.
-Went to a Nanowrimo write-in earlier this week. I will talk in detail about that on Monday, during my normal Nano update post.
-I have began to assume responsibilities as a facilities manager, (as well as publicity person) for the Black Box Arts Center in Shepherdstown, West, Virginia. This building is the former home of the now defunct Full Circle Theater Company, of which I was a part for several years as an actor. I look forward to my new responsibilities as a more disciplined, focused regime takes control of the space, and welcomes the community to make use of same.
I will probably talk more about that specifically over on my other blog, Always Off Book. That blog celebrated eight years in October, though sadly, this is the least active year for it thus far. Mainly that is because I’ve not been in a play for over a year and a half, which is sickening and makes me somewhat depressed. So I’ve reposted some of my actor’s advice columns from a previous writing gig, but I hope to start posting more theater related content soon. My new responsibilities may provide a good chance to open up my old blog a bit, and discuss more theatre-oriented topics, not merely my experiences in any given show. I could also post a few more links there, and respond to others articles. Stay tuned there, if you haven’t already. I want to give it some new life.
-I’m also almost done reading a pretty old and, as far as I know, obscure book about teaching an acting class. Kind of. Sometimes it reads like a textbook, and sometimes it reads like a teacher’s course guide. It looks to be from the early 1980’s. Frankly I think it leans towards flaky Stanislavsky fetishism at times, but it’s got some good ideas for both actors and those teaching/directing actors. Part of the used book blowout I went to a few weeks ago. I may write more about that over on Always Off Book as well.
-The TV music station on my cable plan switched to Christmas music the other day. I confess I’ve left it on here and there for either a pick-me-up or a relaxation thing. But I still, in the deepest part of my mind, don’t truly feel Christmas has started until after Thanksgiving. But to each his own.
-I’ve been thinking about having a regular feature here on the blog for a a while. “Open Letters”, wherein once or twice a month I write an open letter to someone I encountered or knew or loved at some point in the past. Both for closure, (they say writing letters that never get sent can help), but also it will allow me to work on some creative non-fiction writing. I haven’t has as much of a chance to do that lately.
-Take a look at this post, The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs. Dating a Woman. I know, not usually my bag here on my blog, but I’m unpredictable. I was going to write a post about this, actually, but I opted to just provide a link to it, mention that I think it’s a pretty well written piece, and that there is much about it with which I agree.
– I recently read Then Everything Changed: Stunning Alternate Histories of American Politics. I’d been meaning to for a while, but found it disappointing. The link is to my Goodreads review of it. If you’ve read it, let me know what you thought, I’d like to know.
-I’ll need to get a haircut again soon, which I hate.
Ty Unglebower 