The “Return” of Too XYZ

It was the name of my first attempt at a blog not related to my acting. On of the five main categories here on this site is named for it. It was the term I came up with years ago for the numerous yet undefined and inexplicable ways in which I failed to connect with, to influence, to understand what seemed to be daily assumptions of the rest of the world.

In the very first post on that old blog, I described my situation, (that i assumed I shared with others who would find my blog…they didn’t) in the following manner, among other ways:

“It’s a predicament of being too different too early in life, or too damaged, or too confused, or all of the above, to develop as one should have developed in order find conventional success in the world. Or even in order to take the advice of those who coach others in how to do so. A predicament of being too unique in too many ways so that even suggestions for “unique people” doesn’t quite stick to us much of the time. Like a sticky note with hair and dirt on the back.”

I had no name for it then. No name for that tendency to be shut out, just beyond reach, unable to adapt to certain social “norms” with which I had struggled my whole life. It was just too…something. Too XYZ as an attempt at a cute brand and networking focal point for others who felt my way began.

The venture failed, but I continued to be Too XYZ in my life afterward, even though I didn’t address it anymore on a blog. I may have given up an attempt to use an bizarre weakness to my advantage, but I continued to be Too XYZ, even into the creation of this website. Though I haven’t written in it as much as I thought I might, it’s a stated category within this blog, because I still had no name for the concept.

But just over a year and a half ago, I actually found the name for my Too XYZ nature. The name for it is autism spectrum disorder. I am, in fact a high functioning autistic. (Asperger’s Syndrome was the term used for years, until several years ago the distinction was eliminated by those who have authority to do such things.) It may not account for every quirk I have ever possessed, but it’s probably the president of the club, and it’s time I addressed it here on my own website.

Most of my friends and family knew just a few months after the official diagnosis. It’s not something I have kept hidden by choice from the so called “general public,” but it also isn’t something I’ve gone out of my way to mention until right now.

Why have i not said anything about this on my web[age until now? It’s not shame, (though I admit I have had some concerns that making it “mega public” like this would make people less sympathetic with me, trust me less with potential work, or even find my less attractive, both emotionally and physically. Some of those concerns remain, to tell you the truth, though on a much lower level than when all of this was new.

In truth, however, it hasn’t seemed relevant much of the time. It hasn’t been a secret so much as it has not been pertinent to anything I’ve been saying here, or out in the world in my “public” capacity. At least it hasn’t seemed pertinent in most cases. The fact of the matter is, however, it probably is pertinent. I don’t allow my ASD to define me, but I can pretend that any definition of me is complete without the inclusion of the autism spectrum.

I wrote last month about tweaking this site for the sake of greater overall authenticity. I mentioned how I hadn’t been fake up until that point, but that I’d perhaps been shining light on myself from the wrong angle in order to fulfill the supposed commandments of self promotion. I mentioned i didn’t want to do that anymore, and I guess that got some small ball rolling i my mind that before long I’d be saying these things in public here on my website that’s I’d already said the family and friends some time ago. This entry is the culmination of that way of thinking, you could say.

I started making a series of videos as a way of expressing my experience with ASD in various aspects of life. I shared these videos with  my friends last year to help those who wanted to understand better. I haven’t made one in a while, but I have been meaning to make more of them. In the mean time, I am thinking about posting the ones I have already made here over time, so that “my public” can get a better feel for all of this as well. We’ll see.

Regardless, I’ve concluded that I still have a long way to go myself in comign to terms with what my ASD means for me. I’ve let it be perhaps a bit too minor at times, too much in the background. I think for a time I assumed that it doesn’t really matter too much, and therefore was a real issue, but in the background. I know now that that is probably a bit naive-that if I want to be authentic I need to delve deeper into the nature of who and what I am to myself, I need to own, if not broadcast and spotlight my autism. I could be wrong, but it occurred to me that having this aspect of my life known here on my public presence on the internet is a necessary step in that journey that began in the spring of 2015 officially, and continues to this day, and will likely continue for some time to come.

This will not be an autism blog, but my personal relationship with my autism, (which is as unique to each person as is their fingerprint) will be present here on my own website.

I might make it a set of videos on youtube, exploring in public what I had been exploring in private. There may be other things. But for now, I’ve made the “announcement,” though that sounds far more dramatic than it is.

It is what it is now.


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