Making Friends vs. Becoming Friends
We often see those terms as being interchangeable. Indeed when I am speaking casually I often use them as such. But they are not.
According to Merriam-Webster, the first listed current definition of “make” is;
“to cause to happen”
The first current definition for “become” given by the same dictionary is;
“to come into existence”.
Despite there being some overlap in the secondary meanings of both words, these two initial definitions are quite distinct. They are the definitions I am using pertaining to friendship.
It could be truly said that I almost never truly make friends.
This doesn’t mean I have social anxiety, per se. I walk in crowds all the time. I order food, give directions and such. Nor am I anti-social. I respond to small talk that is initiated by someone else. A little bit. But I am just not in the business of “making” things like that happen. It isn’t me.
I do not go to bars or clubs with the express purpose of making new friends or even acquaintances. When invited to a party I converse almost exclusively with those I already know, unless introduced to someone else. If I know only a few people at a very large party, I usually will not attend at all. I don’t strike up conversations in elevators, and I do not start chats with people in check out lines.
Again, in short, I do not make friends.
They do, however, often “make me” as I say. But when I want to write in the active voice, (as we are supposed to), I say “Jane and I became friends.”
This is usually due to me and “Jane” engaging in the same activity. It is no coincidence that 90% of my current friends are people I met through theatre. Theatre is one of the only social activities I engage in on a regular basis that involves large numbers of people who are initially strangers. Also, being in the trenches of rehearsing and performing a live show can bring people together quite efficiently. Friendships “come into existence” on and behind the stage due to mutual struggle and passion.
I engage in no other activities that consistently bring friendships into existence. (One of the cons of freelancing.)
My relationships are always built on mutual activity. They form as a result of pursuing something else with others because the inner natures of both me and the other people are more accessible that way.
Now, I can practically hear all of my new Twitter and Brazen Careerist acquaintances choking on their coffee as they read this one. I can hear word for word what they would say both as individuals,and collectively as some sort of Gen-Y Borg Cube:
“You need to acquire the ability to make friends. How can you not be out there, exchanging your business card, talking up your freelance skills, shaking hands, exchanging phone numbers, going to tweet-ups? You may not like it, but you are doomed to failure in this day and age if you can’t go into bars, group activities, even libraries and just start introducing yourself to people around you. The world turns because of extroverts. Be one of them.”
My new contacts are good people. I like them. I have learned much from them in the six months or so I have been engaged with them via various new social media. They mean well in most cases, and I appreciate it. And in many cases they are correct.
But not in all, and probably not in this one.
For I am Too XYZ to be like that. I fully realize that being that way does make things happen faster in many cases. And as has been the case with many people, I am doing more “virtual friend making” thanks to the internet. It allows me to behave more like the hand shaking conversation starting extrovert at Starbucks. But I will never be him.
I am sure I will attend a Tweet-up one of these days. But even if I do it will not be like it is for most people, because I just do not posses those skills or that personality. I think those that have it really don’t understand that people like us that are Too XYZ can no more evolve out of some of our traits than we could suddenly turn into another race or gender. It just isn’t there.
I am not ashamed of this. Too often we are asked to rewrite our DNA because we are told “that’s just the way it is, like it or not.” Those words are often spoke, with ease, by people who were born to be the way they are asking me to become. I long to improve, but I do not long to change, and there is a difference.
So my goal is to seek out, learn about, and if needs must, personally create new means by which people like me can make the connections that need to be made, while not feeling like we are wasting our time trying to be something we are not. I have spent a lifetime doing this in small degrees, so now it is simply a matter of enlarging the scale of it. My “tweeps” have already helped me do this in some regard. But I know in large degree it is up to me to dig that unorthodox path myself. Or at least with the help and advice of fellow Too XYZers out there.
Is this you? I want to hear how you maneuver in the world of friends if it is. Comment me.
What DON’T You Want? (A Featured Post on Brazen Careerist!)
Being goal oriented is important. Most people know that. It gives one a focus. A target. Something to both visualize from the spiritual standpoint, and something for which to plan from a more earthly standpoint.
Yet goals are things which we have not yet achieved. Which means they are in the future. Which means there are bound to be obstacles on our journey to completing them.
Sometimes we know exactly what our goals are. When we do, we can easily see most of the obstacles that lie in our way towards said goals. What we do not see right away becomes clear as we take that journey.
But what if you are not sure what your goal is at any given time? Or what if it is a very broad goal? (i.e. move to another city.) What then? How to focus and gain all of the benefits of a clearly defined goal?
First, take total stock of all current conditions pertaining to the subject at hand. Think really hard about every detail of your life. But instead of thinking so hard about what you want in the future, determine with as much specificity as possible what you do not like about the present.
Say you live in New York City. You want your life to change somehow. You want something different, but you can’t quite put your finger on what would make you feel better. Set that aside, and think long and hard about what you do not like about your current situation. Perhaps you are tired of crowds. Of noise. Or pollution. You may not know what you want to do next, but by isolating those things that make you most unhappy, you would perhaps have discovered it is time for you to make your way to the suburbs, or perhaps a totally rural environment. Where or how is not important today. Just determine where you could go to be away from that which dissatisfies you.
Your job is ok, but you feel it’s time for a change. But a change to what? Is anything better than what you have now? How can you know? Again, think deeply about what it is about your job you simply cannot stand. Have you grown weary of all the traveling you must do? Do you miss being able to always be at home at the end of the day, instead of a hotel room somewhere else? Then perhaps this means you would prefer a desk job at this point in your life. Or at least a job that requires you to go only to one place during the day, and nowhere else. Again, you haven’t decided where exactly you are going next, but you have determined that one of your goals will be to research jobs that will allow you to stay in one place.
Many advise you to ignore that which is negative, and think only of your dreams, and what you want. But if you are like me, and sometimes Too XYZ to know exactly what you want to change, it can be of great benefit to determine what it is about your current situation that you most want to be rid of.
Don’t take this approach lightly. This should be the result of deliberate soul searching on your part. Because just as we are not always aware of what our goals should be, we are also not always sure what is bothering us about life. But take the time, and put in some mental/spritual effort, and it will come to you. And when it does you are one step closer to having an all important goal.
Have you ever made a life decision based at first on what you knew you didn’t want any longer?
Passion, Not Obsession.
My two biggest talents and passions are theatre and writing. I have spent years looking for ways to make use of both in my career.
So far I have met with only minimal success in doing so. And do you know why? Well, there are plenty of career know-it-alls who think they know why. For years I’ve read and heard this advice in regards to a career as a writer. (Though you hear the exact same words regarding a career in theatre.)
“If you can even for a moment imagine yourself doing anything else other than writing for the rest of your life, don’t write. Do something else. Writing is not for you.”
Pursuant to this, those that are trying to make it their career are often heard to say things like;
“I just have to write. I eat sleep, drink, breath and piss writing, day in and day out. If I am awake and not in the shower, I am writing, and I would write in there too if I could.”
Yeah…and if anyone behaved this way pursuant to wine consumption, what would we call them?
The fact of the matter is, I am both an actor and a writer. I am a freelance writer that is just starting to hit a bit of a stride, and I am an actor that performs in amateur productions that don’t usually pay. My goal is to make a total living one day utilizing one or both passions.
Yet, sin of all sins, I can visualize myself doing other things.
Yes. I can see myself getting back into radio, if there were any openings. I know I would enjoy some sort of musical career if it came along. I could probably spend a few quiet, content years just getting a paycheck from a used book store.
And if I had a family to support in an emergency, I would even be able to see myself taking a more menial job, if a kid’s life were at stake.
In other words, there are many things for which I have talent and interest that I could see myself doing, and have at some point tried and failed to get into. The fact of the matter is that I have had more chances to use my writing and acting skills than I have my other skills thus far.
However, even though I am both a writer and actor, and I do love being so, I do other things. I walk. I enjoy movies. I limp my way through video games sometimes. Poker. Conversation. Beer. It may shock you to know I have been on dates with women.
What is my point? My point is, despite being a writer, I simply am not obsessed with the idea of writing. I do not do it all the time, every hour of every day. Any given day I do not write at all. I know that must shock some of you writers out there, but somedays I don’t feel it. If I worked for a company I would of course put in writing time everyday so as to fulfill my job duties. But as a freelancer for the time being, I’m not always there.
Nor should I be. This notion that writers, actors and other creative types must be constantly working on or at least thinking about their respective craft is for the proverbial birds. We all have talents, and perhaps all of us have callings and destinies. But it is not for any of us to abandon being a well balanced human being.
Dedication to and visualization of a goal or dream is one thing. And a damned important thing at that. But I grow weary of the suggestion that by being able to imagine my life turning out in some other good way I am declaring myself unfit as a writer. I am equally weary of the notion that in order to be considered a true writer I have to feel compelled by some unknown force to write all the time, everywhere.
It’s not like eating, folks. Writing can sometimes be hard work. It can in fact be a pain in the ass. It can be like pushing a rock up a mountain. But I am not a writer because I am in love with pushing rocks. I am a writer because I am compelled to see the view from the summit of the mountain. I just push rocks right now because that is what is required to get me there.
So embrace passion, not obsession.
Frustrated Fellow Too XYZers (A Featured Post on Brazen Careerist!)
This is not an exceptionally creative post, but I came across a thread on a job hunting board that rang so true with me that I simply had to share it. Especially when I consider that no other thread that I have yet encountered in the world of the job hunt has been so universally in tune with my own experiences on the matter.
It is a frustrating, depressing, and some will say cynical thread. Many would probably dismiss it as belly aching. But the people in the thread are not worthless anymore than I am. They are worried, anxious, in some cases rendered hopeless, by a job hunting system that, no matter how many times it is written about, explain or engaged in, just simply doesn’t make any damn sense to a certain personality.
Like my own. And to all of us who have found we are Too XYZ.
Read the thread. Each post. And don’t dismiss the people as lazy or stupid. Those of you who never have any problem landing jobs, try to listen carefully to what these people who have been out of regular work for a year (or years, such as myself if you discount my freelance work) have to say about their predicament. This is what I and people like me have been up against. It is a perfect indication of just how unhelpful so much of the standard job hunting advice tends to be.
We don’t know why. If this is you, perhaps you don’t know why. But you are not alone.
Here is the thread. Perhaps add to it yourself?
“You’re Just Saying That”
My recent forays into another level of social media have exposed me to all sorts of articles, blogs, Tweets, etc pertaining to personal success, branding, and networking. Most of them are valid. (Even some of the ones I don’t do for various reasons.)
I think I have found one very simple act that can greatly improve one’s brand, chance for success and one’s network. There aren’t a whole lot of books about it, as far as I know. I don’t believe the concept has been studied. It also lacks profundity, (unless you find the simple to be profound.)
Accept a compliment.
No, I didn’t make a mistake. I realize that giving sincere compliments is useful when it comes to adding to one’s network. But it doesn’t do much good to give them if you can’t recieve them.
I am not talking about yes men that indiscriminately kiss your ass. I am talking about people in our lives, strangers, new contacts, friends, lovers, whatever, that pay you appropriate compliments which you find the need to deflect.
“I’m not sexy, I’m overweight.” “You’re only saying that because we are friends.” “You tell everybody the same thing.”
Think of the two main messages you are projecting when you deflect a compliment.
1) I don’t trust that you are telling me the truth.
2) I don’t have confidence in myself enough to believe that what you say about me might actually be true to someone.
This isn’t to say that we are going to agree with every compliment we are given, even if they are sincere. You might not like the new haircut you got, even if your friends do. But this isn’t about agreeing. This is about accepting, preferably with a simple, “Thank you, that’s kind of you to say.”
If what we project to other people is as crucial to networking success as all of the gurus say it is, perhaps we should keep this in mind the next time we are complimented, instead of giving in to a trait that seemed ingrained into us by society itself; rejecting those who compliment us.
How good are any of you at accepting compliments? How do you feel when you are complimented and why?
Ty Unglebower 