Reverb13 Day Fifteen: Sensory Input
Give us a sensory tour of 2013. How would you describe the year that’s passing in terms of:
Sight?
Words. I saw many words in many different media. The words of authors from ages past printed across the yellowed pages of used and long forgotten books I purchased at used book stores by the bag. I saw words printed in brand new books, written by authors still living, in fonts unknown to the writers of the used books. I saw the words of fellow local authors in my writing salon, printed on common computer paper, along with the words in red ink I wrote upon them, offering my suggestions and concerns.
I also saw my own words as they blinked into existence across both my desktop screen and that of my lap top as I worked on novels and short stories and a stage play. Plus I saw my own hideous pencil scribblings, in print, scratched across the pages of a poetry journal I bought in an effort to reignite my poetry writing. Earlier in the year is was the chaotic ink loops and swirls of a journal I kept, in cursive, (a style I had not written in since childhood.)
Sound?
All of them from previous years, but more intently processed. The changed nature of common noises such as music I have owned for years, the voices of people I know and that of myself, and weather, but with an ear more attentive. I heard, (or at least attempted so to do) with a greater presence, a willingness to internalize, and not merely notice the sounds around me.
All of this made easier sometimes by my willingness as always to embrace the sounds of silence.
Smell?
The aroma of hopefully somewhat healthier food choices over the last year, as I attempt to improve my diet. Smells of fruits, wheats, grains, and the odorless purity of water as beverage. The olfactory profile of solid nourishment.
Taste?
In perhaps direct contrast to my previous answer, this year my have the slight taste of baked goods, as I tried to make a few such items myself this year. Not on a regular basis, but given my propensity to fail at cooking entrees and side dishes I have this year, (particularly last month during Thanksgiving) attempted to be a bit more fanciful in the dessert field. I think perhaps that by so doing, and becoming a competent baker, I can ignore what a bad cook I am. As will other people, I am sure, if I am known to bring dessert. A long way to go in this regard, but I sense improvement on the horizon for 2014.
Touch?
I could say the touch of a family hug, or cleansing purity of a rainstorm on my skin. All of those are acceptable, and probably the more poetic answer for the “touch” of 2013. Ad of course, truth be told, they are probably the more important touches. But I allow myself to move outside the realm of the profound and obvious (or the profoundly obvious?) and answer with…my computer keyboard.
This keyboard in particular, which I have been using for close to 15 years, is on its way out at last. My computer is ancient, and I will be replacing it in the New Year. Unlike the last time I got a new computer, (and threw away its own lousy keyboard), I probably won’t be keeping this current one after the transition.
So as much as anything else, the “touch” of 2013 is a tribute to the feel of a keyboard long past its prime, but on which I have written 85% or so of my words since college. Nearly all of my fiction has been crafted with this Smithsonian piece made by Compaq. (Remember them? I never even owned a Compaq computer, just the keyboard.)
I am used to the worn smoothness of each key. The scratched up and dented “N” key. The exact spacing of the rows and letters and buttons on it. The course plastic of the casing. The angle at which it slants when the tiny “legs” are deployed. (I can’t type without them up.) The futility of running a card between the keys in an effort to remove the dust and dirt.
All of that will almost certainly be gone with the new computer. I may hold on to this old keyboard, if it works with the new computer, setting aside the new keyboard until such time as this one finally breaks down. But even if I do so, 2013 may be the year of this keyboard. Doesn’t sound like much, but to a writer, his tools are significant beyond their mere utility.
Reverb13 Day 14: Decisions, Decisions
What was the best decision you made in 2013? What were the results? How will you continue the good work in 2014?
I’ve struggled for a while now to find deeper, more meaningful connections with more people. So it would seem at first odd for me to answer this question with the decision to give up on more people, more often. But that’s what I have done. Though the results are still in the infant stages, and it will take a while to fully implement, I feel nonetheless it is one of my best decisions from this year, and it can be broken down into little component decisions:
-I’ve decided to make my trust more difficult to obtain, so those that do are more likely to be choice individuals.
-I’ve decided to give fewer chances to people that are sapping my energies and testing my patience, so as to make, at least in theory, more room for those who will not do so. More room for people who may in fact enhance who I am as I enhance who they are.
-I’ve decided to be more frank and less tactful in certain situations. For years people told me I was too blunt, and blamed that for my lack of greater connection. After trying for years to be less blunt and meeting with the same results, I’m opting to be more open with what I am thinking and feeling again.
-I’ve decided my time should be spent mostly in service to people and causes that contribute to the vision of the world and society I want.
-I’ve decided that if someone doesn’t want to get to know me after a few tries, they are not worth trying to understand.
-I’ve decided that it’s okay to take notes before giving second chances.
-I’ve decided to expect less from other people so as to avoid attachment and disappointment.
-I’ve decided that eggshells don’t hurt, but they are a mess to step on, and I won’t be stepping on as many for as many people in the future.
-I’ve decided that being around someone a while doesn’t entitle them to anything, since my being around a while with others doesn’t entitle me to anything either.
The results of these decisions, and others, as I said, are still just coming in. But so far I have a greater sense of freedom and purpose. I sense that I will be more able to navigate the world to get the things I want without hurting innocent people, as well as not being hurt by the wolves in sheep’s clothing I have been trusting too often.
In a way, it may make me somewhat less warm in 2014, but only to an extent. My interactions, hopefully, will be thinner but deeper, like a well, instead of broad but more shallow like a pond.
Reverb13 Day 13: Community. (Lack thereof.)
In 2014, how could you explore what community means to you? Where might the alchemy be?
The whole concept of community is a tricky one for me to discuss and write about.
Community has come up in previous Reverbs. I even mentioned it this very month in a previous post from this year’s Reverb. It also comes up on message boards and in articles I read about various subjects. I hear the stories of friends of mine and the support they get from their communities, and how much it means to them. The building of community is considered crucial to everything from our success in any field, our personal happiness and even our very health. Everywhere one looks, the concept of community is not far behind.
I can only say now what I have previously said when the subject of community comes up; I do not feel that I am a member of any solid, supportive community, despite previous best efforts.
As I have said, projects and endeavors I have undertaken in the past few years have been met with almost zero interest, support, or assistance from the relevant community. For whatever reasons I simply don’t inspire communities to be a part of my life and my work, and that goes for many online forums as well.
For you network-minded millennial who may be reading, I will cut off your first question by stating that yes, I have over the years attempted to improve communities by offering myself to same. I’ve invested time, attention, energy, once in a great while money in the activities, plans, visions, projects and aspirations of various communities as a whole, and individuals within those communities. I still support the notion of doing so, when the investment yields some kind of eventual return.
But truly I don’t do that as much as I used to, because in a vast majority of the cases, that engagement has been one way.
If you read any of the above posts I have linked to, you’ll find that I have never been certain why I lack community. I consider various different possibilities, such as the fact that I am not charismatic, or handsome, or rich. But then I think of plenty examples of people who are also lacking in all of those qualities and still inspire certain loyalties. In other words, I may not be a pleasant fellow as defined by most in society, but being pleasant is obviously not a prerequisite to community success. (I maintain I am in fact a pleasant person much of the time, however.)
May greatest pains in the last five years have dealt most often with being rejected by a community to which I thought I was attached. At least I’ve learned, hopefully, to never again assume I am part of a community.
But the attempts go on. I started an introvert group this year. I’m helping to manage a small arts center-to build a community there. (Though a lot of people I know already are involved.) I continue to explore the web for message boards and blogs that might welcome me into their community. I engage interesting people on Twitter in hopes of starting conversations or making connections.
Yet I can’t deny that over the last year or two, I am trending more and more away from community. It sounds counterproductive in a sense, and maybe it is, I don’t know. I only know that as communities continue to hold me at arms length, and I remain unable to infiltrate them, the appeal of doing things that require only myself increases. I write. I will probably self-publish my fiction, so I don’t have to convince some overworked agent that my novel will put her kid through college. I’m writing a one-man stage play, (and have ideas for several others) so I will not have to rely on people wanting to join me in my productions. (Getting them to come see them remains a problem, but that’s another post.)
I’m not a hermit. I’m not a misanthrope or an isolationist. One of the few lines written by John Dunne that I like is “No man is an island,” and I agree with that. But at the same time, I can’t continue to look for or build community, when community doesn’t want me. That’s a waste of resources better spent elsewhere. I’ll create what I can without any help, and engage the individual friends I have when I can. (Distance is an issue with most of my friends more than anything else.) But community? Alchemy? I would be lying to my readers if I were t0 pretend I had a true answer to this prompt.
Reverb 13: Day 12: Muddied by the Universe
Today, identify something muddy that kept recurring for you throughout 2013, and then ask yourself this: What’s the clear truth underneath this damn mud if I finally wash myself clean?
I think loneliness is a type of mud. And contrary to the popular misconception, introverts can get lonely. In fact it often happens in crowds.
I guess the clear truth under said mud is that I am in need of company in my life that is more in tune with my own personal world view. It’s good to be eclectic, and to establish friendships and working relationships with those we have little in common with. Sometimes, at least. But I believe my spiritual shelves are now fully stocked with purely professional contacts, party types, conservatives, religious people, well-to-do, and various other types of people whom I can enjoy but can relate to only so much.
The fact that I know many people but continue to feel as though I need different company is, to me, the Universe’s way of splattering me with that mud. A mud that, when wiped clean will reveal a me that needs to connect more often with those who don’t challenge my censor button, or my patience, or my manners. But people who simply come from a similar mold, and who desire to be with those of the same mold sometimes. I need more “me-type” people in my life. Not better people, just…”me” people.
That’s a short and not very profound answer, but it fits today.
Reverb13 Day 11: To Boldly Go
What challenges lie ahead in 2014? How might you meet them boldly?
I feel sorry for anyone reading these posts who may be tired of hearing me mention my writing. But I am, after all, a writer, and though there are several challenges about which I could write today, I think writing is still the most appropriate.
Maybe I should amend that somewhat. Maybe I should say, publishing is my challenge for 2014.
I have thought for most of this year that next year would be the year I finished my “final” revisions in Flowers for Dionysus and began to immerse myself in the publishing process. Which means I will have to decide quite soon if I am going to self-publish, seek an agent, or attempt both over the course of the year.
For those who don’t know, both routes have essentially the same amount of backside pain involved. Particularly in marketing. Agents and the traditional model take far, far, far longer to boot. But for some there is a relief with such involvement.
Now is not the time for me to debate the merits of one method over the other. (That will come.) Rather today I mention only that the concept of getting my fiction, particulars my first novel out there to readers will be one of the top challenges for me in 2014.
So, how to meet this challenge in a bold manner, as per today’s prompt?
Probably by ignoring more than acting, at least at first. Boldly ignoring the significant part of my mind that finds the entire mess confusing and distasteful. To not think a great deal about the elephant in the room when it comes to either getting an agent or self-publishing. The elephant being that I’m not used to, or adept at selling things. I must pretend I am not feeling what I feel for a while.
But I can’t just ignore parts of my own mind. I will also have to boldly ignore the conventional wisdom of either method of publishing, in favor of what makes sense to my own mind. Some of it may work, and some of it may not, but I must plow through the general advice and “requirements” of publishing dictated to me, and all writers by the establishments in either camp.
Targeted marketing, finding niches, data analysis, platform growth, charts, graphs, sales projections? That all sounds fantastic. But so does solar power, and I don’t have the slightest ability to build or even procure solar panels for my home. So I stay warm with what I’ve got, and hope for the best as time moves on. I’ll have to do the same with publishing and marketing. Use what I have, not what I don’t have.
I will be seeking some advice. I will have to. But I already know a great deal of what professionals will say, (I’ve read up on the topic for years) and much of it will only upset and discourage me anyway. If it means I plow through certain conventions and expectations at the cost of one avenue or advancement, so be it, but I have to do this worrisome, unpleasant task my way if I am to get anywhere at all with it. And if you ask me, that’s not being stubborn or obstinate. That’s not flipping the bird to those who have come before me, nor is it refusing to learn. It’s simply couching what I learn in terms of what I know I can do, instead of beating myself into submission in order to do something I know I cannot.
In other words, it will be more about this author getting his works out there, and less about evolving and becoming something totally different at my core simply because it is trendy to do so.
If you ask me, that’s rather bold.
Ty Unglebower 